Épisode Tous mes voeux de bonheur S01E08 - My Name Is Earl Saison 1

OPENING SCENE: Earl is walking through a grocery store carrying a bunch of balloons.

Earl: (v.o) what’s with all the balloons? Well I was hoping they would help me get out of trouble. You see recently I had to add something bad I did to my list. It was a big one. Number 261. It all started with the mail.

FLASHBACK 1: The mailman is walking past Earls motel room and throws in the mail. Randy and Catalina are sitting on the bed and Earl picks up the mail.

Earl: Thanks Willie. (Willie gives him the peace sign) (to Randy) you got something Randy .

Catalina: (watching H.R Pufnstuf) why does the fruit talk? Is it magic? Is he the ghost of a dead fruit?

Randy: (opens his mail and starts reading, slowly) You – are – cordially – invited – to Joy and Darnell’s wedding.

Earl: (confused) Joy’s getting married? I wonder if Willie dropped my invitation in the parking lot.

Catalina: I don’t think so. This says Randy Hickey plus anybody but Earl.

Randy: For the reception how should I have my chicken, grilled or mcnuggeted?

Earl: oh man I wish I was invited I love chicken. Probably gonna be cake too.

Catalina: I love weddings. The food, the cake, the dancing. (Catalina starts dancing, Randy is staring at  her)

Randy: do you want to be my plus anyone but Earl.  

Catalina: ok. When is it?

Randy: next Wednesday.

Earl: next Wednesday? Man that woman never stops, does she? (storms out of motel room)

Randy: (to Catalina) if I check mcnuggeted do you think they’ll let me have two different dipping sauces. I like hot mustard for the first bite, but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite. You know its like having a small meal followed by a tiny dessert every 10 to 15 seconds.

CUT TO: Joy’s Trailer. Joy is listening to the radio when Earl storms in.

Earl: we need to talk.

Joy; Shhh… Trying to make a mix tape for the wedding. Waiting for them to play my request.

Earl: you had to get married next Wednesday. On my birthday.

Joy: is next Wednesday your birthday. (stands up) huh, did not know that.

Earl: then why did you invite all my friends, you know I have a party at the Crab Shack on my birthday. DJ Dave raps and it’s the one time a year I get drunk enough to break-dance.

FLASHBACK 2: Earls Birthday at the Crab Shack, Everyone is clapping while Earl is break dancing.

DJ Dave: go Earl. Its your birthday. It’s your birthday. Go Earl. Go Earl.

(Earl passes out.)

END FLASHBACK 2 – CUT BACK TO FLASHBACK 1 – At Joy’s trailer.

Joy: well you’re gonna have to do the worm all on your lonesome, cos DJ Dave is doing my wedding. I gave him a $20 gift certificate for Patty the daytime hooker.

(Darnell walks in, pulling in a hose)

Darnell: Hey Earl. Coming to the wedding?

Joy: He can’t. it’s his birthday.

Darnell: Well that’s ok. He can still cele -

Joy: Darnell, I did not drag that water bed all the way from the flea market so it can sit there empty.

Darnell: Happy birthday Earl.

Earl: Thanks Crab man.

Radio: Here’s one going out to Joy and Darnell. Marrying for the first time as Mr. and Mrs. Turner. (Joy runs to the radio, Bust a move starts to play. )

Joy: damn it Earl you made me miss my intro.

CUT TO: Motel Room. Catalina is dancing, vacuuming listening to the same song, Randy is staring at her.

Earl: (v.o) Randy said he’d stay with me on my birthday, but I knew how much he wanted to dance with Catalina, so I insisted that he go to the wedding. Since it’s tacky to go to a wedding without a gift, I took Randy shopping (Earl and Randy are walking through the liquor store) Among other places, Joy was registered at the local liquor store.

Randy: I got tequila.

Earl: (looking at Joy’s list) Let’s see. Te-quila. Need 10 got 10.

Randy: oh man. All the good stuffs taken. (turns around) light beer?

Earl: Light beer. Ahhh, Need 336, got 324. Grab it. (Randy takes a six pack of beer)

CUT TO: Park, Guests are sitting down for the wedding.

Earl: Joy and Darnell weren’t very religious and they couldn’t afford to rent out a hall so they got   married at the park. Joy wanted to make sure they got a nice shady spot, so she sent Darnell over there first thing in the morning.

FLASHBACK 3: Darnell is sitting at a table at the park in his wedding suit. A family of 4 walk towards the table)

Darnell: Sorry this area is saved.

(Family walking away.)

Mother: see that, we should have gotten a clown.

END FLASHBACK 3 CUT BACK TO FLASHBACK 1: Park, Randy and Catalina are arriving at the wedding carrying the beer.

Earl: (v.o) Yep, it was a beautiful day. If it wasn’t for the occasional interruption from the nearby soccer game it would have been perfect (A guy is kicking a soccer ball down the aisle.) As everyone arrived, Joy and her bridesmaids were making themselves pretty.

CUT TO: Joy in the Parks toilets, with her bridesmaids, Patty and Carla

Joy: (blowing her hair in the hand drier in the parks toilets) This thing is making me sweat like a whore in church. No offense Patty.

Patty: none taken. I don’t go to church.

Joy: (fixing her hair) Anybody got deodorant?

Patty: (looking in her bag) oh, I got altoids, condoms,

Carla: These are scented (holding up toilet paper)

Joy: I don’t want your baby’s butt wipes.

Patty: I’ll take one of those Carla.

Daneesha: (squealing and crying) Joy, Oh my god look at you. (hugs Joy) Look at you. (Joy is smished in her breasts) you are so beautiful. My brother loves you so much and I love you so much.

Joy: okay. Okay. That great. Time out Daneesha. Time out Daneesha you’re getting boob glitter all over my face.

CUT TO: Crab Shack – Earl is sitting there with Willie the mailman who has a patch over his left eye.

Earl: (drunk) d-do you feel like singing happy birthday?

Willie: huh, what?

Earl: come on. Hap – Hap

(Willie turns on tv.)

TV: ‘Coming up next, what secret involving gay laborers is Rob Schneider trying to hide. And home movies of Thanksgiving dinner with Bruce, Demi, Ashton and the kids. Can you say pass the creepy?

Earl: did you hear that Willie. Thanksgiving together, that that that’s sweet. Why can’t I have a relationship like that with my ex wife huh. Poor Joy is probably all upset today cos she thinks I’m mad she didn’t invite me. (Willie is feeling for the nut bowl, Earl pushes it over to him) I’m not angry at her no no sir, I want to be friends. (Willie is feeling for the nut bowl again, Earl pushes it to him) I want to be the Bruce to her Demi. (smiling) yeah. (leaves the Crabshack)

CUT TO: Park – The wedding is startin, Joy is walking down the ailse wearing white jeans and a white corset with a veil.

Earl: (v.o) looking back on it now I know it was a mistake making my way down to the park.

DJ Dave: Dum Dum Di Dum. Dum Dum Di Dum. Dum Dum Di Dum Dum. >Dum Dum di Dum.

(Joy is walking down the aisle. Earl interrupts DJ Dave on the microphone.)

Earl: (drunk) Hey DJ Dave, heya folks. Most of you guys know me but I’m Earl. Earl Hickey. Joy’s ex husband. (Soccer ball lands at his feet) Hey keep it on the field, (throws it back) There’s a wedding going on over here. (spots Darnell) Hey Crabman. Cool tux.

Darnell: Thanks Earl.

Earl: who’s that pretty lady with you?

Darnell: that’s my moms.

Earl: Hey Crabman’s Moms.

Darnell’s mom: Hey Earl.

Joy: Earl, give DJ Dave the microphone back please.

Earl: See, she’s mad. That’s why I’m here. I don’t want us to be like this. Joy, I don’t care that you planned this on my birthday; it’s my birthday today, in fact maybe just real quick, Hap

Joy: EARL!

Earl: oh that’s cool. Today is for you. (Soccer ball lands at his feet again. Stumbles while picking it up) What part of wedding don’t you understand, There’s a woman getting married and you’re gonna ruin it

(Earl kicks the ball, it hits Joy right in the face she passes out, everyone gasps. Earl is cringing.  Next Joy is being taken away by the ambulance)

Earl: (v.o) And there is was number 261. Ruined Joy’s wedding.

END FLASHBACK 1 - CUT TO PRESENT: Earl is driving down the road, with the balloons filling his car, and is pushing a balloon out of his face.

Earl: (v.o) while driving over to Joy’s all I could think about was how I ruined her wedding. (replay of the ball hitting her face) I knew she was gonna be upset, but I guess I expected more yelling and   spitting. Truth is I’d never seen her like this before.

CUT TO: Joy’s trailer, she is pulling the ribbon out of the mix tape, her face is bruised and her nose in in a splint. Earl is standing there with the balloons. Darnell is playing a video game.

Earl: I am so sorry Joy.

Joy: Whatever.

Darnell: don’t beat yourself up Earl it could have happened to anyone. Soccer balls are hard to punt.

Earl: look I thought about it and the only way I can make up for this is give you a new wedding.

Joy; I don’t want a new wedding. We’ll just go down to the court house and get married or something.

Earl: (lets go of balloons) you can’t. Look its on my list.  I have to do this. Now come on I’ll do anything you want it will be better than the last one, I promise.

Joy: just leave me alone.

Earl: (turns around looks at TV) That’s not a bad Berserker score.

Darnell: yeah it’s definitely gonna make the wall of fame.

(Darnell and Earl looks at a wall of photos of his highest scores, Earl is impressed.)

CUT TO: Motel – Earl is in his room looking a wedding magazines.

Earl: (v.o) I decided I was gonna plan Joy a new wedding whether she wanted it or not.

(Randy taps on window, Earl turns around)

Randy: hey Earl. You want to go write wash me on dirty cars. (holds up his finger) I already did ours.

Earl: I’d love to Randy but I’m busy reading about non traditional options for bridesmaids boo kets (‘bouquets’).

Randy: (walks in the room) Why? She said she didn’t want another wedding

Earl: Randy. Its on my list now. Besides once she sees how much work I’m doing, she may even want me to come. We can stop all this fighting and finally get along. This whole soccer ball thing could be a blessing in disguise.

Randy: like when that guy got kicked out of Van Halen for not wearing those stupid pants. Then they got even more famous (thinking) what was his name.

Catalina: (cleaning in the background) just make sure you got (starts dancing) music.

Randy: yeah musics important. (goes back to staring at Catalina)

Earl: (v.o) Yeah music was important. So I made sure I stopped by the record store before paying Joy another visit.

CUT TO: Joy’s trailer. Earl places 2 cd’s on the table.

Earl: I bought you some cd’s for DJ Dave so you don’t have to make a mix tape this time. And I found some really good ideas in a bride magazine for inexpensive ways to make colorful centerpieces (gets a candle in a bottle and places it infront of Joy.) Three hours ago that was a two liter bottle of soda and 25 cents worth of decorative paper.

Joy: (looking at it) it’s beautiful.

Earl: I can make as many as you want. Last night Randy emptied out 20 of ‘em.

Joy: (looking at cd’s) you got Monsters of Rap.

Earl: yep at the nice price. I got Monsters of Rock too. With the extended version of Cherry Pie like you like. (Joy doesn’t know what to say, smiling)

Earl: (v.o) And there it was for the first time in a long time, Joy smiled at me. She was happy, and over the next week while we planned the perfect wedding, things just kept getting better. (reading   magazines together) We picked out place settings.

(Joy and Earl are looking at paper plates)

Earl: these plates are pretty. Oh but look these have matching napkins.

Joy: oh, party your ass off. Oh and look the little horse has a top hat on. That’s cute. Lets get these.

(Joy is looking at wedding dresses.)

Earl: (v.o) I even found a wedding dress sale where irregular dresses were under $50.

Earl: (shows Joy a dress) this one guarantees it has only been worn 8 times.

Joy: yeah buy I like this one. Because its lined, so I won’t have to wear panties, its perfect.

Earl: yeah but it’s got a stain on it.

Joy: yeah but that’s where it will be bedazzled by my initials.

Earl: (v.o) we were working as a team. It was like the good ol days. Then I’m not quite sure how it happened things got a little too much like the good ol days.

CUT TO: Earl motel room. Earl and Joy hot n heavy on the bed while Randy is watching tv, shocked, he slowly gets up and leaves.

Earl: (v.o) as soon as I woke up I realized that sleeping with Joy three days before her wedding was a huge mistake.

Earl: ahh honey. I think we should talk about what happened last night. It was so crazy I’m not sure I even remember.

Randy: (walks out of bathroom, cleaning his teeth) Now I wish we could trade, I remember everything.

Earl: (v.o) when I went over to talk to Joy about the night before, she no longer had love in her eyes.

CUT TO: Joy’s trailer. Earl and Joy is there. Joy is angry.

Joy: you have a lot of damn nerve seducing me like that.

Earl: (confused) seducing you.

Joy: yes you knew exactly what you were doin, being all nice to me, planning my wedding , helping me pick out my perfect irregular wedding dress. How dare you, you know I’m a passionate woman.

Earl: I was just being nice so we can get along better like Bruce and Demi. I didn’t know we’d get along 3 times in one night.

Joy: well we can’t undo the humping, so let’s just forget it ever happened. (slams the door in Earls face)

Earl: fine I’ll just tell Darnell, and we’ll be done with it.

Joy: (opens door) WHAT? You can’t tell Darnell.

Earl: I have to its already on my list. (shows Joy the list) number 262, slept with Crabmans fiancé.

Joy: wait, wait, wait, look, you want to have a good relationship with me don’t you, that’s why you’re doing all this right?

Earl: well yeah.

Joy: well then you need to keep your big snitchy trap shut. Cos if you tell him I will never forgive you. Besides you think Bruce and Demi don’t sleep together once in a while and don’t tell Ashton. Pfft, please.

Earl: (v.o) I did want to be friendly with Joy and since I’m not sure what good tell Darnell would do I agreed to keep quiet. In return Joy invited me to the rehearsal dinner. Since three people in the wedding party had court mandated curfews, the traditional rehearsal dinner was switched to a rehearsal lunch.

CUT TO: Casa De Pizza and Games – The rehearsal lunch, everyone is eating pizza.

Joy: kay, now I got everybody smalls, but remember there’s free refills, so small is really a large with a little extra walking.

Earl: (v.o) And Casa de Pizza and Games, turned out to be the perfect choice. Cos the kids had   something to keep em busy. (kids are in the playroom)

(Darnell hitting his plastic cup with his plastic fork, no one can hear)

Joy: (to Darnell) Sweetheart, that’s not making any sound. Yeah. (loudly) everyone, Darnell has something he wants to say. (everyone is quiet)

Darnell: (stands up) umm, I just wanted to say that uh I am a very lucky man and I wanted to thank Earl for helping us plan our second wedding. You’re a good friend Earl. To Earl. (lifts his cup)

Everyone: To Earl.

Earl: (v.o) that’s when it hit me, I can’t lie to Darnell, he’s my friend, we’ve had some good times (montages of Earl and Darnell saying ‘Hey Earl, ‘ Hey Crabman’ to one another). I couldn’t keep a secret from Darnell. Besides he was on my list, I had to tell him.

Earl: (Stands up) Crabman. I did something very bad with someone you love. (Joy gets up angry. Everyone is staring)

Joy: (pulls Earl away from the table) come here for a second.

Earl Jr: mommy.

Joy: not now baby.

Earl Jr: I need to potty.

Joy: oh for god’s sakes, you pick today to stop going in your pants. (Grabs Earl Jrs hand and drags em both to the toilets.) Come on.

Earl: I have to tell him.

Joy: Like H-E double L you do.

Earl: I can’t live like this Joy. He needs to know we h- a-d sex together.

Joy: oh that is b-u-double L honky.

Earl: Marriages built on lies don’t last. Look at us.

Joy: it’s not the lies that screw people up it’s the finding out. You keep your mouth shut Earl.

Earl: he needs to know.

Joy: fine, but let me tell him. At least give me that.

Earl: I think that’s a good idea.

(Joy pushes him out of the way and walks out)

Earl Jr: I’m done. Help. (Earl tries to sneak out) Old daddy are you there?

Earl: yeah old daddy’s here.

CUT TO: Daneesha is laughing loud eating pizza, Joy and Darnell are talking

Joy: I have something to tell you and its not going to be easy to hear. Umm but I need you to promise me that you’re not going to make a scene.

Earl: (v.o) being the sneaky little woman that Joy is, she thought she would take one last shot at not telling the truth.

Joy: Earl slept with your mother. (looks worried)

(Darnell looks like he’s gonna cry, he turns around sees Earl. Earl shyly waves at him)

Earl: (v.o) unfortunately he couldn’t help himself from making a scene.

(Darnell charges at Earl and tackles him to the ground, everyone whinces)

Earl: wow Crabman, you know how she is. You can’t be that surprised. (Darnell hits Earl with a left hook) it’s not like it’s the first time its ever happened. We used to do it all the time. (Darnell hits Earl with a right hook) Come on Crabman I didn’t get mad when you slept with her. (Darnell hits Earl again right in the nose, Earl falls on the ground)

Darnell: you take that back. I’ve never had sexual relations with my moms!

(everyone gasps, Darnell’s moms and Daneesha look at each other)

Earl: Your moms. I didn’t sleep with your moms I slept with Joy.

Joy: you son of a bitch. I had this covered.

(Darnell is hurt, he walks off leaving Earl on the ground and ignoring Joy. He goes in to the kids fun zone and climbs up the slide. Earl walks past Joy, looks at her and then go into the funzone.)

Earl: (talking up the slide) Crabman? (climbs up the slide, finds Darnell sitting in the tunnel) Hey buddy.

Darnell: hey.

Earl: (crawls to Darnell) look Crabman this was totally an accident. If I could go back and change what happened …

Darnell: it’s not that Earl. Like you said, I did the same thing to you when you were married to her.

Earl: yeah but that’s not your fault. It’s not our fault at all. It’s her. She’s a vixen.

Darnell: isn’t that one of Santa’s reindeers.

Earl: yeah. But I think its also like a-a- like a woman who a- not a whore but a-a a sexy a – I’m not sure what it is.

Darnell: look I know who Joy used to be, I just thought she changed. I thought she loved me.

Earl: she does. She does love you. When I told her I was gonna tell you what happened, I saw a look of panic on her face I’ve never seen before. She was scared of losing you.

Darnell: she was scared. Joy?

Earl: terrified.i’ve never seen that woman scared of losing anything.

Earl: (v.o) that was the truth. I knew Joy loved Crabman more than she’s ever loved anyone. And Crabman loved her right back.

 (Darnell crawls down the tunnel to a window. He looks at Joy who is crying, Joy looks at Darnell, who puts his hand against the window. Joy smiles.)

CUT TO: Park – Joy’s wedding – the end of the ceremony, Joy and darnell kiss and the guest clap. Daneesha is crying. Earl takes his list out of his suit and crosses Joy off his list.

Earl: (v.o) I did it. I gave her back her wedding.

CUT TO: Reception. Joy and Darnell are feeding each other cake. Everyone claps.

Earl: (v.o) and even though she hated me for telling Darnell the truth. I knew it was the right thing to do.  

(photos are being taken by Darnell’s moms of Darnell, Joy, Dodge and Earl Jr)

Darnell: Earl come get in one of these.

Joy: (whispers to Darnell) oh great, it’s bad enough you had to invite him.

(Earl walks over to them and stands next to Joy.)

Earl: (v.o) as for me and Joy having that Bruce and Demi relationship I was trying for.

Joy: (to Earl) I hope you get nut cancer you son of a bitch.

Earl: nice, you kiss your illigemite children with that mouth?

Darnell’s moms: smile.

(The photo is taken and Earl’s eyes are closed)

Earl: (v.o) Well at least we’ll look happy in the pictures.

CUT TO: The dancefloor – ‘Bust a move’ is playing – Darnell and Joy are dancing. Everyone joins in.

Earl: (v.o) they say you never forget the first dance at your wedding, I know Randy will never forget his.

(Catalina is dancing, Randy is staring in awe. Earl is doing the robot and then starts breakdancing. It finishes with everyone dancing while watching Earl.)
 

THE END