Épisode Je veux être policier ! S01E22 - My Name Is Earl Saison 1

OPENING SCENE – Private Property – No Tresspassing – Randy is standing at the end of the storm drain catching item in a net. Earl is watching him. There are dolls heads at Earl’s feet.

Earl: (v.o) Sometimes after a rain, Randy likes to come down to where the storm drain lets out into the river and look for what he calls treasure.

Randy: Another doll’s head Earl. That makes four. Just think if these were real heads it would be a terrible day,

Earl: nice haul so far got a keychain, a baseball, 52cents, what’s this? Bacon?

Randy:  I think so

Earl: you’re keeping bacon

Randy: I like thinking about the journey it must of taken to get here.

Catalina: oh man, the stain remover got away.

Earl: (v.o) Catalina had come along to do the motel washing, that way she could keep the money the manager gave her for the Laundromat,

Catalina: get it Earl; I need it for the sheets.

Earl: I got it. (Notices something in the water, picks it up, it’s a cop badge) Well I’ll be damned.

Randy: oh no it’s the badge.

Earl: I can’t believe its found its way back to us.

Randy: its like one of those crazy ass Australian wooden Frisbees, get rid of it Earl.

Earl: I’m not just getting rid of it Randy. This badge is on a journey too, just like that bacon and I got to help it find its way to where it needs to go.

FLASHBACK – The Bowling Alley- Earl, Joy and Randy.

Earl: (v.o) The badge entered our lives a few years ago as we enjoying America’s favourite pastime. (Earl is getting ready to bowl; he bowls his ball and falls over. Joy laughs, and Randy drops his ball.)  Earl sits down next to Joy, and they bend over to pick up their shoes) and after we bowled we enjoyed our favourite pastime, stealing. (They steal other people’s shoes) We discovered that when people bowl, they stash their wallets and other cool stuff in their street shoes. (They put the shoes in bowling ball bags) The only valuables you should keep in your shoes are you’re feet.

CUT TO – Diner – Earl, Randy and Joy are emptying the shoes they have stolen.

Earl: what kind of kid puts acorns in their shoes?

Randy: A squirrel kid might. Except a squirrel kid doesn’t wear shoes. Unless … nah not even then they wouldn’t.

Earl:  (puts his hand in a shoe) Ow!

(Earl empties shoe, a police badge falls out, they all look at the badge in shock)

Randy: that’s a police badge Earl

Joy: shut up dummy, he knows what it is. What are you gonna do Earl? That’s a policeman’s badge.

Earl: (v.o) Joy was right and so was Randy. We stole a badge from a cop and that could lead to all types of trouble.

Earl: we got to get rid of it. Ma’am excuse me, can we get our check please.

Waitress: ahh, (sees badge on table) oh that’s ok officer, there’s no charge for police.

(Earl picks up badge. They all look excited by the power of the badge)

CUT TO - Earl, Randy and joy are leaving the diner, Joy sees her car getting towed.

Earl: (v.o) Getting free pie in the world without free pie was pretty cool.

Joy: Hey! What the hell you doing towing a car with the American flag on it. You part Taliban.

Earl: (v.o) but what was even cooler than getting free pie was stopping the car from being towed.

Earl: (holding up the badge) Excuse me,

Tow man: Sorry Boss.

Earl: That’s when I realised I had something that I didn’t want to part with. Something I never had before, power.

CUT TO – Crab Shack – pool table. Earl is playing against a large biker looking guy.

Earl: (v.o) and it turned out having power turned out to be a lot of fun. (Earl hits the white ball in the pocket) It made life easier. Knowing I had that badge in my pocket, meant that I could do no wrong. (Earl goes to redo the shot, the biker stops him.) No matter what kind of mess I got myself in, the badge was always there to bail me out. (Earl holds up the badge) I was really enjoying being on the force. I couldn’t even remember how I lived without having a police badge.

CUT TO – Joy’s Trailer – There is a loud party going on, and one of the neighbours knocks on the window.

Earl: (v.o) And I wasn’t the only one enjoying the power of the badge.

(Joy opens the door)

Neighbour: its 1am, do you mind?

Joy: (holds up badge) This is a police operation sir, would you like to go to jail? In south America?

CUT TO – Earl and Randy are walking down the footpath Earl is wearing Aviators and showing off the badge as they walk along.

Earl: (v.o) the more we used the badge, the more comfortable we became pretending to be police.

(They get in the El Camino and Randy pulls a siren out and places it on the roof.

CUT TO – Guard office – Joy is sitting at a table and a large security guard is talking to her.

Security Guard: Ma’am we saw you steal an alarm clock, 7 cds, and a tube of haemorrhoid cream.

Joy: (filing her nails) I use that for my puffy eyes Mr Nosey.

Earl: Did somebody call the cops.

Security Guard: Wow that was quick

Earl: well we’ve got a very fast car with lights on the roof.

Randy: lets go female thief, you’ve got some explaining to do. (Joy gets up and her and Randy walk out,) Did you get me that stapler? (Joy holds the stapler up)

Earl: (taking the things joy stole) Evidence.  (Holds up the badge once again)

CUT TO – Diner. – Randy is stapling napkins together; Joy is looking at the cds. Earl is eating pie.

Earl: (v.o) Yep there was no end to what we couldn’t do. We were finally living in the world of free pie. (Earl holds up badge and the waitress fills up glass with milk) But after a while the power of the badge started to get too dangerous.

Rodney: Ok listen up, I want all the liquor in this bar loaded into truck, and everyone’s got to help carry it. Except the ladies. They need to take their shirts off and slap each other.

Earl: (v.o) Creepy Rodney, no one liked Rodney. He was the worst kind of thief. The kind that steals from other thieves. And doesn’t shower.

Randy: Wow, when did Rodney become a cop? (Thinks for a second and starts feeling his pockets) Oh oh.

CUT TO – 45 Minutes ago – Randy walks into the mini mart to the counter.

Randy: (holds up badge) Can I have 5 lottery tickets please. It’s part of an investigation. And a sour pickle. We’re looking into those too. (puts badge on counter)

(Creepy Rodney, is watching him from the hotdog counter and as Randy scratches his tickets, Rodney walks over to him)

Rodney: Hey Buddy, how’s the scratching going?

Randy: you know. They say it all the same, but I really think side to side is faster than up and down.

Rodney: wow that’s interesting. (takes badge) I’ll see you later. (Leaves the mini mart)

Randy: Free ticket! Free Ticket! Free ticket! Sir, I won, I won. I get to scratch again.

CUT TO Crab Shack – Rodney has the badge. Darnell walks up to him.

Rodney: If you don’t want to slap each other you can take turns kissing me.

Darnell: Hey Rodney, you’re not a cop. Cops don’t sell fake watches out of their trucks.

Joy: Damn I thought that said Cucci.

Darnell: (takes the badge from Rodney) I’m gonna use this for hassling white people to make up for 300 years of racial injustice. Or maybe I’ll just use it for Halloween. (smiling)

(Randy walks behind Darnell and takes the badge.)

Randy:  Sorry Darnell, that’s ours. But if it makes you feel any better I’ll use it to hassle white people. (Darnell smiles)

Joy: What the hell makes you think you can use it anymore. You’re the one that got our stolen badge stolen.

Earl: Look I found it, its mine. Nobody can use it anymore except me.

Joy: oh hell no.

(Joy and Earl fight over it)

Earl: Let go Joy.

(Randy joins in)

Joy: No

Randy: I want it.

Joy: Let go. (grabs Earl around the throat)

Randy: You let go (Grabs Joy around the throat)

Earl: you let go (grabs Randy around the throat)<

CUT TO – Earl, Randy and Joy standing on a bridge. Joy nods to Earl and he throws the badge into the creek.

Earl: (v.o) It was then and there we knew the badge was too powerful. It had turned us against each other.  We had to get rid of it before it destroyed us.

END FLASHBACK – CUT TO Storm Drain – Earl, Catalina and Randy are looking at the badge.

Earl: (v.o) But Karma didn’t want me to get rid of it. Karma wanted me to give it back. Number 127 on my list. Stole a badge from a police officer.

CUT TO – Earl and Randy walking into the police station.

Earl: (v.o) The tricky thing about returning a police badge that you stole is if you’re honest you go to jail. I don’t like jail.

Earl: Well hello there lady officer. I was out abiding the law today and I stumbled upon this badge and would like to return it to the policeman or woman from once it dropped off ….of. Indeed.

Officer: Oh I can’t believe this. Hey guys. Look who’s badge just walked in.

Earl: (v.o) It turned out the 4 lady cops were sisters and their brother was also on the force. A brother who kept his badge in his street shoes when he bowled cos the sharp edges poked him on his follow through. (Stewart is bowling, he goes to get his shoes and they are missing) And as soon as he saw his shoes were gone his heart sunk. You see one of the most embarrassing things that could happen to a police officer is to lose his badge. (Stewart enters the precinct, arms crossed  and his sister look at him shaking their heads) It’s even more embarrassing when your fellow officers are your sisters. And the captain of the precinct happens to be your mother.

(Makes him put down his arms, Stewart is wearing a fake badge saying ‘Stud Police’)

Stewart’s Mother: Stud police? Where did you get that?

Stewart: Spencers gifts.

Stewart’s Mother: When?

Stewart: After I lost mine. 2 weeks ago. I love you momma. (She walks away) I mean captain.

CUT TO – Earl and Randy in Earl’s car watching Stewart sitting in his car outside the rest stop.

Earl: (v.o) After we stole Stewart’s badge, he got demoted to the worst post a cop could have. Watching a highway rest stop.

(A lady from the rest stop taps on Stewart’s window)

Lady: There’s no toilet paper in the ladies bathroom.

Stewart: I’m sorry ma’am that’s not my jurisdiction. I’m a policeman not a janitor. I’m here for crime.

Lady: Fine. Than the toilet papers been stolen. I’d like to file a report.

Stewart: (leans over a pops the trunk) Just take one roll.

Nescobar A Lop Lop: The toilets clogged up in here.

Stewart: I’M NOT A JANITOR!!

Nescobar A Lop Lop: But its clogged!!

(Stewart frustrated, picks up a plunger and storms to the toilets, slamming his car boot shut on the way)

Earl: (v.o) Seeing Stewart so humiliated made me realise I didn’t take away a mans badge, I took away his dignity. I had to find him a way to get his career back.

CUT TO – Crab Shack – Earl, Randy and Catalina are playing pool.

Earl: we just need to make Stewart look like a good cop again. You know by catching a criminal or something.

Earl: (v.o) Luckily finding a criminal in the Crab Shack wasn’t hard.

(Joy gets up to walk to the jukebox, Rodney quickly runs to her table and eats her fries, Joy turns around and sees him)

Joy: hey what are you doing with my French fries? Spit em out. Spit em out!!

Earl: (v.o) Creepy Rodney perfect.

Earl: (v.o) we had watched officer Stewart and knew he was at the diner at 4.30. All I had to do was bait the hook. (Stewart at the diner eating pie.)

CUT TO – Earl and Randy standing at the pool table near Rodney who is listening. Earl and Randy sound rehearsed and are talking loudly.

Earl: ok here’s the plan. We’re gonna make a killing on this robbery.

Earl: (v.o) we talked about how easy it was to rob the diner. And we made sure Rodney heard the job had to happen at 4.35.

Earl: cos that’s’ when the old blind lady drags the sacks of money across the floor. And to shoe we’re serious we’ll just wave this baby around (holds up a gun)

(Earl puts the gun in his pocket, takes off his jacket and puts in on a table)

Randy: this is the best criminal plan you’ve ever thought of Earl.

Earl: Thankyou Randy. And as is customary before we pull off a big job, let’s close our eyes and pray. (Earl and Randy kneel beside the pool table and pray, Rodney steals Earl’s jacket and runs off) Good he’s got the gun. Nice acting Randy. Randy?

Randy: (still praying) and a puppy. Not just any puppy. A puppy that does tricks. And please make it warmer in the wintertime at night or at least let me find my thick socks. And if it wouldn’t freak people out so much let me live forever. Amen.

Earl: We’re not getting a puppy Randy.

CUT TO – Earl and Randy sitting outside the Diner in the car, they watch Stewart enter the diner

Earl: (v.o) The next day the plan went like clockwork.

Earl: (looking at watch) 4.30 right on time.

Earl: (v.o) And five minutes later (Rodney walks into diner)

Earl: (looking at watch) Perfect.

Randy: you put blanks in Rodney’s gun right?

Earl: Yep.

Randy: What about Officer Stewart’s gun, does it have blanks too?

(They both think for a second, look at each other, then quickly jump out of the car and run to diner. 3 Gun shots are heard and Randy and Earl drop to the ground. Screaming is heard coming from diner)

Earl: (v.o) What we didn’t count on one thing. Rodney was at the centre of it. And Rodney was insane enough to get himself killed.

Rodney: (holds up gun) Everybody Freeze!!

(The waitress screams and drops the coffee; Rodney screams and starts shooting the ground where the coffee was dropped and starts shooting erratically around the diner. Stewart does nothing; he just climbs over the counter and hides. Rodney has no blanks left in the gun and all the patrons of the diner run out, Rodney joining them. The people run past Earl and Randy who are lying on the ground)

Earl: (v.o) From that moment I knew 2 things. Making Stewart a hero wasn’t gonna be easy and Rodney really really needed to be in jail.

CUT TO – Crab Shack – Earl and Randy are sitting at a table.

Randy: Maybe we can get Stewart to be a hero by throwing him into that tank at the aquarium to make him wrestle an octopus.

Earl: that wouldn’t make him a hero Randy unless the octopus was committing a crime.

(Randy starts smiling and his eyes light up)

Earl: we’re not going to start thinking about ways to get an octopus to commit a crime. Cos that just has failure written all over it.

(Joy comes in to Crab Shack and sits down with the guys)

Joy: I can’t believe this. That rude Rodney just got into my car and licked my steering wheel. How the hell am I supposed to get home now?

Earl: yeah that is a pickle.

Joy: I thought you guys were gonna get him put in jail.

Earl: we’re trying. Want to help?

CUT TO – Earl and Randy at the Pool table again talking loudly

Earl: so as people bowl they’re looking over here, so we can steal their shoes which are over here. Then we’ll be rich.

Randy: Yeah richer than whatca talkin’ bout’s white daddy. (smiles)

(Earl and Randy get to their knees and pray. In the background Rodney is listening to their plan. As they pray, Rodney gets up and sneaks out the Crab Shack.)

Earl: (v.o) This plan has to work. I figured that if Stewart’s not brave enough to be a hero at the diner, well maybe he’d feel more comfortable at the place he spends most of all his free time. The bowling alley.

CUT TO – Bowling Alley – Earl and Randy are looking over newspapers, watching Joy bowl. Joy waits till Stewart bowls, and turns around and sees Rodney steal her shoes. She signals to Earl, who touches his nose and winks.

Joy: Help!  Help! That man stole my shoes. Police! (Stewart is ignoring her screaming, Joy frustrated, turns to him) Excuse me, do you know where I can find a policeman. I have been the victim of a crime. (Stewart says nothing) Forget it. I’ll go catch that moron before he starts licking my shoes.

(Joy storms off, Earl runs over to Stewart)

Earl: what’s wrong with you?

Stewart: excuse me?

Earl: That man just stole her shoes. You’re a cop, Chase him take him down

Stewart: I’m not a cop.

Earl: yes you are. You officer Stewart Daniels. You work at a rest stop. You have toilet paper in your trunk and a plunger under your seat.

Stewart: Alright alright I’m a cop ok. Just not a very good one. Now leave me alone. I came here to bowl. If I wanted to get yelled at I would’ve gone to my moms.

(Stewart walks off, Earl is left standing there)

CUT TO – Earl and Stewart sitting at a table at the bowling alley eating pie.

Earl: (v.o) I caught up with Stewart and thinking I was just a fellow bowler he let me buy him some pie. I love pie. And as people do as they eat pie, we talked. He told me his story. Apparently being a cop wasn’t Stewart’s idea. It was his moms.

FLASHBACK – Stewarts mom throws a guy to the ground and arrests him. As it zooms out, She is carrying baby Stewart in a pouch.

Earl: And even though being a cop is in his blood it just wasn’t in his heart. (Stewart handcuffs a criminal to a chair, as he turns his back away and walks to the counter, the criminal drags the chair out of the precinct) The only time he felt good about himself was when he was bowling. (Stewart bowls and gets a strike and starts a victory dance.) And he should he was the best around (A wall of photos with Stewart and the golden pin for a perfect game)

END FLASHBACK – Back to table eating pie.

Stewart: The only thing I ever wanted to be was a professional bowler.

Earl: (v.o) And that’s when I realised karma brought me here to help Stewart’s career. But not his police career.

Earl: well then that’s what you should do.

Stewart: what?

Earl: be a pro bowler.

Stewart: yeah

Earl: I mean it Stewart. You only have one life, you should spend it doing what you love. Besides you’re a much better bowler than you are a cop.

Stewart: I suck at police work. Plus I have to pay for the toilet paper I give away at the rest stop. I don’t think that’s fair. You know what, why not? I’m gonna go for it. I’m gonna quit the force and try to become a professional bowler.

Earl: good for you Stewart.

(Stewart point to Earls pie, and Earl passes it to him)

Earl: (v.o) I may not have gotten Stewart’s police career back but maybe that’s not what karma had in mind. Finally decided to do what he wanted with his life. (Earl gets out list and crosses Stewart off) And so I could cross him off my list.

Stewart: What’s that?

Earl: ahh what the hell. You’re not gonna be a cop anymore. I was the one who stole your badge.

(Stewarts face falls.)

Earl: (v.o) So I told him about the list and showed him all the bad things I’d done.

Stewart: wow. There’s a crime on here. A couple of felonies. This list is like a confession.

Earl: I guess it is. One by one I’m crossing them off. One day I’ll have a better life. (Stewart handcuffs him) what are you doing?

Stewart: Arresting you.

Earl: but you’re gonna be a pro bowler. Bowlers don’t arrest people. They bowl, they bowl and people cheer, what about your dream.

Stewart: yeah that’s the problem its just a dream. This list, this list is real. (stuffs it in his pocket) I turn you in, not only do I get to stop working at the rest stop; they might even make me lieutenant.

Earl: but but but

CUT TO – Outside Bowling alley – Stewart is escorting Earl to his car. Randy is following them out.

Earl: (v.o) I couldn’t believe it. I was going to jail. I was finally gonna pay the ultimate price for all the bad things I’d done. Karma had a plan for me and if this was it I wasn’t gonna fight it. I was ready to face the music.

(When Stewart and Earl stop, and Stewarts back is to Randy, Randy lifts up a bowling pin and goes to hit Stewart over the head, Earl shakes his head. Randy stops; drops his arm and walks back inside.) Earl: (v.o) My feet on the other hand had a different opinion. (His feet are moving and Earl breaks free of Stewart, and starts running away Stewart gets his bowling ball and bowls his ball which knocks Earl over)

Earl: Look do me a favour don’t tell my new cellmate how you took me down. What are you doing?

(Stewart is undoing the handcuffs.)

Stewart: when you ran away I didn’t reach for my gun. I reached for my bowling ball. I’m a bowler Earl.

(Earl picks up Stewarts ball and hands it to him)

Earl: then you should take this.

Stewart: thankyou. You should take this. (holds up his gun)

Earl: whoa whoa whoa no maybe you should hang onto this they might want you to turn it in when you quit.

Stewart: (hands Earl his list) Good luck with the rest of your list Earl

Earl: (v.o) Maybe Stewart was destined to do what he wanted to do. Maybe all of us manage to take the journey we are supposed to take.  Even Rodney.

CUT TO – Dark Alley – Rodney is emptying all the shoes he stole from the bowling alley – he comes across a police badge.

CUT TO – Street – Rodney walks behind a group of women.

Rodney: (holding up badge) Lets lose the shirts ladies.

(they turn around. Its Stewarts mom and sisters, they all show their badge.)

Earl: Rodney was also on a journey to where he was supposed to go.

(Rodney is in the back of a car, squashed against the window. The siren is put on the roof of the car and drives off. Joy is walking down the street, and spots the police badge and picks it up)

Joy: oh snap. (stops a woman walking down the street) I’m gonna need that jacket dummy. (she hands joy the jacket) Thank you.

THE END