Épisode Concours de beauté S01E06 - My Name Is Earl Saison 1

OPENING SCENE: The Crab Shack, Earl enters, walks over to Randy who is drinking a beer.
 
Earl: (v.o) Winning a hundred thousand dollars in the lottery has opened the door to the finer things in life.
 
Randy: where have you bin?
 
Earl: Food shopping. (hand him a box of cereal)
 
Randy: you got real frosted flakes.
 
Earl: no more generic sweetie bix for you brother. You riding on the karma train now.
 
Randy: choo-choo.

CUT TO: Motel – Earls room - Joy is looking for the money, Catalina walks in.

Earl: (v.o) I like being able to afford nice things for my brother but having money can create problems too. That’s my ex wife Joy.
 
Catalina: what do you think you’re doing?
 
Joy: (startled) Hi Carolina.
 
Catalina: Catalina.
 
Joy: Potato, Tomato. So where does Earl keep his money?
 
Catalina; Earl is my friend, I’m not going to help you steal his money.
 
Joy: Yeah well that’s unfortunate for you because you are not the one standing with the freshly broken bottle now are you? (Holds up a unbroken bottle. Tries to break it 2 times - unsuccessfully) This will still hurt if I hit you with it.
 
(Earl and Randy walk in and stand behind Catalina with the shopping)
 
Earl: Joy I’ve told you a million times the money isn’t in the room. Stop breaking in here and messing the place up.
 
Joy: fine, but if you get to eat fancy cereal your kids should too. (Walks out, taking the cereal out of the paper bag)
 
Earl: They’re not my kids Joy!
 
Randy: (to Catalina) That must’ve been very scary for you. (Puts his hand on her shoulder, she rubs his hand with hers, he smells his hand)

CUT TO: Joy’s Trailer - Joy pouring ketchup packets into a ketchup bottle.
 
Earl: I can’t live like this Joy. What do I need to do for you to stop trying to steal my money?
 
Joy: buy me a hot tub.
 
Earl: I’m not going to buy you a hot tub. I need my money to help me cross things off my list.
 
Darnell: (enters room, eating) Hey Earl. Thanks for the flakes.
 
Earl: no problem Crabman.
 
Joy: you and that stupid list of things you’ve done bad to people, I better be on there somewhere.
 
Earl: you are. There’s a lot of things on here that I did to you.
 
Joy: like what?
 
Earl: Do you want me to do one.
 
Joy: well what’s on there?
 
Earl: If I do one will you leave me alone for awhile.
 
Joy: fine whatever. What’s on there? (Joy peeking over Earl’s shoulder as he looks at the list)
 
Earl: Ahh, here’s a good one. Number 153, broke Joy’s fancy figurine.

FLASHBACK: Randy is setting of a firecracker rocket, it won’t stand up. Earl walks over with a plastic figurine of a mower.
 
Earl: I think I found something.
 
(Uses the figurine to keep the firecracker rocket standing up, lights it and Randy and Earl move away, it just explodes, the figurine is in pieces)
 
Earl: Beer bottle, I’ll get a beer bottle.
 
END FLASHBACK

Joy: you’re the one that broke my figurine.
 
Earl: I’m sorry, I’m gonna make it up to you.
 
Joy: are you now? Let me ask you a question. What happens when you can’t fix the bad thing you’ve done to somebody, what do you do then?
 
Earl: well I guess I try and figure out another way to make it up to them.
 
Joy: Like maybe buying em a hot tub.
 
Earl: I’m not buying you a hot tub Joy.
 
Joy: I don’t think you have a choice darling, cos that figurine was irreplaceable.
 
Earl: it was a weird little princess riding a lawnmower. Just tell me where you got it and I can buy you a new one.
 
Darnell: (looking in cereal box) Hey Earl, temporary tattoos, you want em?
 
Earl: no thanks Crabman, make me itch. (to Joy) I’ll be back with your figurine
 
Joy: yeah and I’ll be behind my trailer butt naked waiting for my hot tub.
 
(Earl leaves)
 
Joy: Come on boys, get up here and eat your spaghetti. (Pours ketchup on pasta)

CUT TO: Motel – Earl is asleep.
 
Earl: (v.o) once I started doing something on my list, I’d become obsessed until I crossed it off. I was even dreaming about that stupid figurine.
 
(Earl’s dream – he is watching the figurine blow up, picking up a the figurines label ‘Balboa and sons Lawnmowers’)
 
Earl: (wakes up) Balboa and sons lawnmowers.
 
Randy: (clipping Earl’s toenails) They are always jabbing me and its easier to this while you’re sleeping.
 
Earl: Thank god, I was starting to worry they weren’t growing.

CUT TO: Office of Balboa and Sons- Earl, Catalina and Randy enter. Mrs Balboa at desk typing.
 
Earl: Ma’am. I’m here to get some information on a figurine, with a princess riding a lawnmower with your company’s name on it.
 
Mrs. Balboa: You’ll need to speak to Gertrude Balboa. Her office is through that door. (Pointing)
 
Earl: Thank you.
 
(They walk into the office, no one is in there, Randy sits down on the radiator – burns himself, touches it with his finger. The lady from reception walks into office.)
 
Earl: (to old lady) Do you know when Mrs Balboa will be in?      
 
Mrs. Balboa: (sits down at desk) Hi I’m Gertrude Balboa. (Earl confused) How may I help you?
 
Earl: Ohhh, what do you know, it’s a pleasure Mrs Balboa. So do you know what those figurines are?
 
Mrs. Balboa: of course. For over 40 years they’ve been first prize in mother-daughter beauty pageants.
 
Earl: how wonderful. You see I’m trying to replace one for my ex wife Joy Darville.
 
Mrs. Balboa: Joy Darville. Adorable child.
 
FLASHBACK: Joy and her mother winning in 1981
 
Young Joy: I’m number one, I’m number one.
 
Mrs Balboa: of course that was the year before Shelly Stoker and her mother started entering the pageant.
 
(1982 – Young Joy is holding a bunch of flowers, angry)
 
Announcer: This year Balboa and sons lawnmower’s prettiest, pretty princesses are Elaine stoker and daughter Shelly. (hands Shelly the figurine. Joy start stomping on her flowers)
 
END FLASHBACK- BACK TO PRESENT
 
Mrs. Balboa: That began the reign of the Stoker’s. Joy never won again.
 
Earl: she only ever got one figurine and I blew it up. Damn.
 
Mrs Balboa: Language.
 
Earl: Sorry. Look I need to make up for something terrible I did. Can I buy a figurine?
 
Mrs. Belboa: No, out of the question. See the only way to get one is to be crowned prettiest pretty princess.
 
(Randy is still poking his finger at the radiator)
 
Randy: ow. Earl you gotta touch this thing, its really hot.

CUT TO: Shelley Stoker living room, Shelly is drinking cup of tea. Earl is sitting across from her on the sofa.
 
Earl: (v.o) since Gertrude wouldn’t sell us a figurine, we tracked down the only other person we knew that had one. Shelly Stoker.
 
Shelly: I just can’t believe that you were married to Joy Darville. I haven’t thought about how much better I am than her in years.
 
Earl: so do you think I can buy a figurine from you.
 
Shelly: Now what kind of example would that set for Candy if I sold you one? (to Candy – sitting on a chair reading) if you do not put that book down I don’t know what. Candy is going to win her very first figurine at the 46th annual Balboa and sons lawnmowers prettiest pretty pageant next week.
 
(Randy is looking around the house)
 
Candy: Not if we can’t find some one to help us with out talent portion. (to Earl) my mom’s boyfriend broke up with her.
 
Shelly: (to Candy) watch your tongue little miss mouthy.
 
Candy: yesterday.
 
Shelly: I broke up with him. you can’t rely on men. My mother told me that but did I listen. No. (to Randy) I bet you’re not reliable.
 
Randy: Not really
 
Shelly: no man is. We’re all alone. We’re all alone in this world. (trying to hold in tears)
 
Earl: (stands up) I’m sorry Shelly, we didn’t mean to cause any trouble.
 
Shelly: How tall are you?
 
Earl: six one.. and a half.
 
Shelly: if you were willing to help us out with our talent, we might be able to work something out with that figurine.
 
Earl: no problem. What’s your talent? (Shelly smiles)
 
(Earl is strapped to a board, Shelly is throwing knives at the board)
 
Randy: oh man, you gotta let me try that.
 
Earl: (sternly) Do not let him try that.

CUT TO: Crab Shack, Joy is playing the claw that picks up toys. Earl walks over.
 
Earl: how come you never told me you won a beauty contest.
 
Joy: everyday I walk out of my front door I win a beauty contest. Did you get me my hot tub yet.
 
Earl: Better. I’m gonna get you a prettiest pretty figurine.
 
Joy: you can’t buy those Earl.
 
Earl: no but you can win em.
 
Joy: oh yeah. What you and your momma gonna enter the next pageant. Whatcha gonna do, put your moustache in pigtails?
    
Earl; I’m gonna help Shelly Stoker and her daughter with their talent. And when they win they’re gonna let me keep the figurine.
 
Joy: I don’t want the damn figurine, I want my hot tub. Now I’m the one on the list, you have listen to me.
    
Earl: what’s on my list is, I broke a little girls beauty pageant prize and I’m gonna give that little girl her prize back.
 
Joy: ok well that little girl is gone now and the woman who took her place wants to sit and drink rum in 106 degree water.
 
Earl: sorry, as soon as I get you that figurine I’m crossing you off.
 
Joy: well well what if you don’t win then hmm? See cos I’ve been thinking about getting back into the pageant business and if I win the figurine myself then you can’t cross me off.
 
Earl: you know that’d be great if ahh you had a daughter.
 
Joy: you don’t know, I might be pregnant with a little girl right now.
 
Earl: the pageant is next week. Not nine months
 
Joy: well I guess that’ll make her the cutest tiniest daughter in the whole pageant now won’t it?
 
(Joy walks away)
 
Earl: give it up Joy! You’re not getting a hot tub, you’re getting a figurine.
 
Earl: (v.o) I knew there was no way we could lose. Shelly told me the Stoker women have a gift. A gift that was passed down from generation to generation of Stoker women.

CUT TO: Views of Stoker women throwing knives – until reaching Shelly. She throws 5 knives at Earl, who is strapped to the board missing him.
 
Earl: (v.o) I have to admit it was impressive.
 
Shelly: Candy come on. It’s your turn to practice.
 
Earl: Finally. Lets see how little stoker break out the gift.
 
Candy: I don’t have the gift.
 
Earl: (face falls) excuse me.
 
Shelly: don’t worry she practices with rubber knives.
 
(Candy starts throwing  knives hits Earl  everytime)
 
Earl: h-h-how many days till the competition. 3 right. That’s starting to seem really short.
 
Shelly: (to Candy) You are not even trying. If we are gonna win this pageant you have got ot use your talent. God made some of us super pretty and some of us knife throwers. Now believe in the gift. You are a Stoker. (Hold up the steel knives, hands them to Candy)
 
Earl: (Panicked) Maybe she could twirl a baton or something.
 
Shelly: you need to gain the situation. Real knives with a real person. That is the only way you’re gonna reach inside of yourself and grab hold of the gift.
 
Earl: you k-know i-i- w-would like to go home now, actually.
 
(Shelly spins the board.)
 
Shelly: do it Candy, now. Throw them, Now!!! Now! Now! Throw them Candy! Throw them!
 
(Candy throws them, hitting all 5 in the board)
 
Shelly: (excited and proud runs over, to Earl) My baby has gift. She has the gift. (to Candy) you have the gift. I’m gonna go call Grandma.
 
Earl: (upside down) whoa.

CUT TO: ‘The Home of Wayward Girls’ – Joy is there with a line up of young girls.
 
Earl: (v.o) while I was risking my life to win the mother daughter pageant, Joy was trying to find her way to enter.
 
Joy: (1st girl) Too little. (2nd girl) too tall. (3rd girl) my god, too many damn freckles. (4th girl) and you’re cute but you just don’t have that ‘it’ factor. (5th girl) and how old are you?
 
5th girl: seven.
 
Joy: open your mouth (holds her mouth looks inside)
 
(A lady walks up)
 
Lady: what do you think you’re doing?
 
Joy: I’m adopting.

CUT TO: Randy and Catalina are at the motel room playing cards
 
Earl: (v.o) With me not around Randy took advantage of the little alone time with Catalina.
 
Catalina: oh, 2 Jacks that’s war.
 
Randy: no no no Catalina. In this country, that’s called truce. And we hug. (Catalina and Randy hug) We’re a peaceful nation.
 
 
CUT TO: Earl at Shelly’s house, walking over to Candy who is reading a book.
 
Earl: you were amazing today. There is no way we can lose this thing.
 
Candy: uh huh.
 
Earl: We’re just lucky you realized you had the gift in time.
 
Candy: I’ve known since I was 2. (Young Candy – kills a fly on the wall with a fork) I’ve never told my mom cos I didn’t want to do stupid beauty pageants.
 
Earl: well have you told her you think they’re stupid.
 
Candy; no. she’d just get mad. She wants me to be just like her. But I like school, I want to be a doctor some day.
 
Earl: Candy. There are too many doctors in the world. And if I don’t get that figurine I have to buy my ex wife a hot tub, and hot tubs cost a lot of cake. So you need to listen to your mother.
 
Earl: (v.o) while I was making sure Candy stayed focused, Joy was making her last attempts in getting into the pageant.
 
(Joy is on the phone, having a bubblebath)
 
Joy: Momma I don’t have a daughter that’s why I need you to enter it with me. …… Well fine, all that smoking turned your skin to leather anyway. (hangs up)
 
Earl: (v.o) like Shelly’s family were knive throwers for generations, Joy’s family were smokers, and that gave Joy an idea. (Joy looks at her cigarette)

CUT TO: Pageant registration table – Earl walks up to the lady at the table.
 
Earl: Hello.
 
Lady: hi.
 
Earl: do you know what order we’re gonna go in. cos I don’t want to get in my sequined jumpsuit just yet.
 
(Joy walks up holding an urn)
 
Earl: (to Joy) what are you doing here?
 
Joy: I came to take home one figurine and one hot tub. (places urn on table, to lady) me and my dead momma’s ashes would like to enter the pageant please.
 
FLASHBACK: Joy and Darnell and smoking putting the ash in the urn
 
Joy: Baby I know you don’t smoke, but you have to pick up the pace.
 
(Darnell puts a handful of smokes in his mouth and lights them)
 
Earl: (v.o) unfortunately there was no rule that said both mother and daughter had to be alive.
 
END FLASHBACK  - BACK TO PRESENT

Lady: (looking in urn) there is a cigarette butt in here.
 
Joy: well that makes sense. That’s what took her.
 
(Earl walks off in disgust)

CUT TO: Beauty Pagent, Randy and Catalina are in the audience.
 
Earl: (v.o) never having been at a beauty pageant before, I gotta tell ya, they put on quite a show. I even got to meet a hometown celebrity.
 
Announcer: welcome to the 46th annual balboa and sons mother and daughter prettiest pretty princess pageant. Here’s your MC for the evening, you know him from tv’s ‘Son of the Beach’ and he was recently robbed of a spot on ‘Dancing with the Stars’. Mr Tim Stack.
 
Tim Stack: (singing) Well girl, you’re the one, girl for me, little girl. You’re as sweet as can be, just a glance at you, as love from the start, and ol…..
 
Earl: (v.o) But it wasn’t all lights and superstars. The competition quickly took over.
 
(a mother and daughter push a mower across the stage)
 
Tim Stack: Aren’t they lovely folks. The model number on those mowers is 554Z. (audience claps) Now as we welcome to the stage, Joy Darville and the lovely but no longer with us, Mother Darville.
 
(Darnell is watching as Joy pushes out a mower in a bikini, waving to the crowd. )
 
Tim Stack: Joy has come from camden county, where she enjoys feeding, sheltering and cleaning the poor.
 
(As Joy turns the mower around you can see the urn on the mower. Earl is watching from the side of stage, when Shelly and Candy walk up dressed like sailors)
 
Earl: these are your bathing suits, you kidding me, if we’re gonna win this, you guys have got to show a little more skin.
 
Shelly: relax. Its all gonna come down to the talent. Besides I can’t wear a bikini, somebody couldn’t find their way out of mommy so I had to mutilate my stomach with a c section. (Candy rolls her eyes)
 
Earl: (v.o) Joy knew she couldn’t compete with knive throwing, but she wasn’t going down without a fight.
 
(Joy is singing Wind beneath my wings – not very good mind you – Randy is singing along in the audience, crying.)
 
Earl: (v.o) everyone was touched. And to make sure no one could claim her dead mother didn’t actually participate, Joy brought her into the act.
 
(Joy throws the ashes on the ground and dances on them, walks off nearly slipping)
 
Tim Stack: The Darville everybody. The Darville.
 
Earl: (v.o) The audience really sparked to Joy, but I was confident that the pair of knife throwing dynamos would lead us to victory.
 
Shelly: (to Candy) Winning this pageant is gonna be the beginning of great things for us. After we win we’re gonna tour the country just like my mother and I did. You’ll be the prettiest pretty in every county.
 
Candy: how will I go to school?
 
Shelly: I’ll home school ya. I’ll teach you everything you need to know about winnin.
 
Candy: mom I want to be a doctor some day.
 
Shelly: honey if I wanted a doctor in the family I would’ve made a boy. Now I’ll go get our knives.
 
(Candy upset)
 
Earl: (v.o) it was right then I realized what I had to do. As much as I wanted to win that figurine and cross Joy off my list, it wasn’t right to hurt this little girl to do it.
    
Earl: Candy.
 
Candy: Yeah
 
Earl: I want you to hit me with the knife.
 
Candy: what?
 
Earl: hit me in the leg. It’s the only way you’re nut job mother is gonna let you off the hook. We gotta lose.
 
Candy: but then we won’t get the figurine. And you’re gonna have to buy your ex wife a hot tub. And hot tubs cost a lot of cake.
 
Earl: its ok. Besides when I’m old, I might need a doctor, and I’d like that doctor to be you.
 
Candy: thanks Earl. Won’t it hurt if I throw a knife in your leg.
 
Earl: Nah don’t worry about it. I’ve been stabbed by plenty of girls, it only really hurts when you twist it and pull it out and stick it back in.
 
Tim Stack: All right lets welcome to the stage the amazing talents of Shelly and Candy Stoker.
 
(Audience applaude. Push it by Salt ‘n’ Pepa plays. Candy and Shelly come out dancing. Earl is watching on happily. Shelly spins the board and throws all 5 knives, the crowd in awe. Candy throws her first knife and gets Earl right in the leg. Earl whinces in pain. The audience shocked. Earl smiles at Candy, she does too.)
 
Earl: (v.o) as happy as her little face was all I could think about was being stabbed was much more painful than I remember.
 
Tim Stack: Ladies and Gentlemen, this years Belboa and son’s lawnmowers prettiest pretty princesses are Joy Darville and cremated mother Darville.
 
(the crowd cheers as Joy walks out.)
 
Earl: (v.o) by taking that knife in the leg, not only did I help one little girls dream of being a doctor; I also brought back the little girl in Joy. When I broke that figurine I broke more than a ceramic little girl riding a 487 side dished charged self mulching lawnmower. I had taken away a proud memory of Joy’s childhood. And whether she knew it or not that was more important to her than a hot tub.
 
Joy: I got it on my own, you still owe me a hot tub you idiot.
 
Earl: (v.o) I could of told her she didn’t do it on her own, but then I would’ve taken away her victory and I didn’t want to do that. Besides it doesn’t matter if Joy thinks I can cross her off my list or not all that matters is that I know I can.

CLOSING CREDITS: Earl and Randy are in bed. Randy is trying to recall the names of the A-Team.
 
Randy: Come on Earl, I’m not gonna be able to sleep.
 
Earl: Randy
 
Randy: Just Listen, I’m only missing one.
 
Earl: Fine.
 
Randy: there was Animal, B.A and Faceman
 
Earl: Murdock
 
Randy: yeah Murdock.
 
Earl: now turn your lamp off and go to sleep.
 
(Randy turns off the light)
 
Randy: What was the monkeys name in B.J and the Bear?
 
Earl: Randy!
 

THE END