Épisode Joyeux Noël S01E10 - My Name Is Earl Saison 1

OPENING SCENE – Earl and Randy are at a radio contest to win a car. There are a lot of people standing around the car.  

 

Radio Announcer: (through megaphone) alright everybody the competition starts in two minutes. Two minutes. Get your spot. Now you know the rules. Competitor puts their hand on the car if at any point in time they take their hand off the car, you’re out!

 

Randy; you can’t come between us. We’re Chinese twins.

 

Earl: yeah.

 

Earl: (v.o) so why am I trying to win a car when I already have a perfectly

good 1973 El Camino with a 1977 door and a 1987 Camaro transmission. Well it’s not for me. It’s for the list. Number 74 always ruined Joy’s Christmas.

 

FLASHBACK – 2002 – Trailer – Earl hands Joy a present.

 

Earl: (v.o) When Joy and I were married I wasn’t exactly thoughtful with my gift giving.

 

Joy: (opens present, holds up 3 batteries) what are these for?

 

Earl: whatever you want baby.

(2003 Christmas morning)

 

Joy: (opens present excitedly, holds up a condoms) how are these for me?

 

Earl: they’re flavoured. Merry Christmas!

(2004 Christmas morning)

 

Joy: (opens present) Oh my god! Oh my god! (holds up a keys) wait, these are my keys.

 

Earl: I know. I found em.

(Joy upset leaves the room)

 

END FLASHBACK – CUT BACK TO CAR CONTEST

 

Randy: Do we have to give this car to Joy if we win? (fighting off other people around the car) we could use a new car ourselves. You know, one to do stunts with.

 

Earl: I didn’t give Joy a Christmas gift for 6 years, I gotta give her something big to make up for that.

 

Randy: but she already has a car

 

Earl: excuse me ma’am. Thank you.

 

FLASHBACK – Joy getting out of her car, while its raining,

 

Earl: (v.o) Joy already did have a car

 

Joy: wipe your feet before you come in boys

(Dodge and Earl Jr  are sitting in the back of the ute, saturated.)

 

Earl :but it wasn’t very practical for the whole family.

 

END FLASBACK - BACK TO CAR CONTEST

 

Radio Announcer: one minute. One minute till the competition begins.

 

Catalina: (jumping behind people) Earl! (jumps) Randy!

 

Randy: Catalina where have you been?

 

Catalina: I (jumps) had (jumps) to blow (jumps) off work.

 

Earl: well hurry in here this things about to start.
(Catalina pushes her way through the crowd)

 

Catalina: excuse me. Excuse me. (she gets her hand on the car between two people) I’m on.

 

Radio Announcer: alright I’m Jonny Bubblewrap pop pop pop pop popping with you live with the win a car competition. Who wants to win a car? (The crowd cheer) Alright everybody, hands on the car. Three, Two, One. Don’t let go.

 

Earl: Thanks for doing this with me Randy. If we work together as a team, keep an eye on each other make sure we stay alert I think we can win this.

 

Randy: lets do it.

(Earl takes his hand off the car to shake Randy’s hand – the buzzer goes off)

 

Radio Announcer: you’re out.

(Randy and Earl quickly put his hand back on the car.)

 

Earl: no no no no no i-i-I was just shaking his hand i-i-I didn’t mean to.

 

Radio Announcer: ohh. You’re out!

 

Crowd: yeah.

 

Guy in crowd: you’re out buddy. You are out. (Starts clapping his hands) hahahaha (Buzzer goes off – stops clapping) damn it.

 

Earl: this sucks. What am I gonna do now.

 

Randy: don’t worry Earl. Me and Catalina are here, we’re gonna win.

(Catalina does a thumbs up between a guys legs)

 

Earl: thanks Randy. Keep your hand on the roof.

 

CUT TO: Earl pulling up to Joy’s trailer. Dodge and Earl Jr are playing. Dodge is pulling
Earl Jr around in a washing basket.

 

Earl: (v.o) while Randy was keeping his hand on the car for me. I thought I’d take car of another thing on my list. You see Joy wasn’t the only person I disappointed when it came to Christmas presents.

 

FLASHBACK: Earl and Randy are sitting drunk on the couch watching tv, with Santa hats on.

 

Joy: (poking her head out of the bedroom, she is having a facial) hey did you put the boys bikes together.

 

Earl: uh huh.

 

Joy: there better be some of that beer left for Christmas morning.

 

Earl: we should go on a beer run. We ok to drive.

 

Randy: I know a good way to find out. If I can steer that remote control car
around the living room without crashing then we’re ok. (staring at something)

 

Earl: Randy that’s the cat.

 

Randy: (blinks a couple of times) we shouldn’t drive.

(Earl chuckles.)

(Randy and Earl are swerving down the road on the bikes)

 

Earl: (v.o) that’s when I realized we might be too drunk to drive but we weren’t too drunk to peddle. I learnt a valuable lesson that night, if you’re gonna try and fly a bicycle you better make sure ET is sitting in your basket instead of a twelve pack of beer.  (Earl crashes the bike)

(The next morning – Dodge and Earl Jr are with their broken bikes, Randy is asleep on the couch and Joy is looking angry)

 

Earl: well I guess you two weren’t good enough this year huh. Shame.

(Joy walks off)

 

END FLASHBACK – BACK TO Earl at Joy’s trailer.

 

Earl: (v.o) I owed these two kids a couple of bikes. I went over to ask Joy what colour they might like.

(Earl enters trailer)

 

Earl: Hello.

 

Joy’s mom: Earl!

 

Joy’s Dad: son of a bitch.(laughs)

 

Earl: (v.o) Buzz and Connie Darville. Joy’s parents. Good people. Business
owners.

 

CUT TO TV ADVERTISEMENT

 

Buzz: Hi we’re the Darvilles.

 

Connie: Of Darville waterbeds in Medford.

 

Buzz: If you can find a cheaper place in Medford to buy a waterbed. Then you not
in Medford, cos we’re the only waterbed store.

 

Connie: So come on down if you want to sleep on water.

 

Both: Cos you don’t have any other choice.

 

Ad Voiceover: Darville waterbeds we’re out 2 – the railroad tracks. Look for the big blue sign and go two miles south, make a left and park behind the dumpster.

 

END ADVERTISEMENT – BACK TO PRESENT -  Joy’s Trailer.

 

Earl: Buzz. Connie.

 

Connie: you’re back.

 

Earl: I’m what.

 

Buzz: welcome home soldier. (shakes Earls hand. Earl is confused)

 

Joy: (walks in room, acting excited to see Earl) You’re back. Oh my go you’re back.
(jumps into Earl’s arms) you’re back from Iraq. Home for the holidays. Back from
the war in Iraq (giving Earl a face to play along. Earl just looks confused)

 

Connie: Prayed you’d come home safely son.

 

Buzz: did you bring home any of that Middle Eastern sand with you. Check your shoes son, cos you can sell that stuff on the internet you know. I bought a towel from a sailors bathrooms, it had a dove on it. Can you believe that? A dove. That hypocritical son of a bitch.

 

Connie: son of a bitch

 

Joy: (chuckles) Momma, Daddy. He’s been gone for months and a wife has her needs, so if you all will excuse us. (to Earl) Take me to the bedroom.

 

Earl: (still confused) what?

 

Joy: Take me to the bedroom. (forces a smile)

 

Buzz: Go on son. You’ve earned it.

 

Earl: thanks. (Carries Joy to the bedroom) What the hell is goin on, why are your parents still calling me son?

 

Joy: they think we’re still married.

 

Earl: What! (drops Joy down.)

 

Joy: shhhhh.. (shuts the door) You know how traditional my parents are, if they found out I’m divorced and married to a black man, they’d crap in a sock. They think of me as their little angel. Now come on help me slush around on the waterbed and sound like we’re doing it. (Jumps on bed)

 

FLASHBACK – Earl and Joy holding Earl Jr, infront of Connie and Buzz.

 

Earl: (v.o) this isn’t the first time Joy’s asked me to lie to her parents about Darnell. She made me do it when we were married, when she had his baby.

 

Earl: you know how sometimes two ahh black people will make an albino baby.

 

Connie: yeah, I’ve seen that at the mall. That is weird.

(Earl nods and points to Earl Jr)

END FLASHBACK – BACK TO PRESENT - Joy on the waterbed. Earl watching her.

 

Joy: (loudly) you’ve been away too long, too long!

 

Earl: wait, why is your mother in a wheelchair?

 

Joy: (whispers) oh it’s been a rough year. She got --- arthritis and kidney failure. Has to get dialysis twice a week. Poor thing. (loudly) oh yeah. Give it too me Earl. Give it too me like you gave it to those terrorists. Oh yeah!

CUT TO – Buzz and Connie outside in the kitchen listening.

 

Buzz: I wouldn’t mind you being that passionate sometimes.

 

Connie: her legs work. (Rolls away.)

 

CUT TO – Earl and Joy in the bedroom.

 

Earl: I’m not going to do this Joy. I got my list now. I’m trying to be a better person. I’m not going to lie to a woman in a wheelchair.

 

Joy: (gets off bed, stops Earl from leaving) Earl! If Daddy finds out about Darnell I won’t get a penny in his will. He found out I was going on a date with a black guy in high school and he threaten to take away all my white blue jeans.

 

Earl: and Darnell’s okay with this. He doesn’t care that his wife’s fathers a racist.

 

Joy: Darnell is fine with it. Look not everybody is trying to change the world Earl. Some of us are just trying to get our fair taste of a waterbed business when our parents kick the bucket.

 

Earl: (v.o) Turns out Darnell was fine with it. While Joy’s parents were in town, he was staying at a nativity scene down at the local church. Since there wasn’t room for him at his own double wide end.

(Darnell sitting outside in the nativity scene warming by the fire.)

 

Earl: I can’t lie to them Joy. It’s bad karma.

 

Joy: well karma this Dummy. If you tell them the truth they’re both gonna get in their RV and drive home.

 

Earl: that’s some problem. (starts to leave bedroom)

 

Joy: you’re gonna ruin Christmas Earl. (Earl stops)

 

Earl: (v.o) she had me. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin Christmas. So the next few days I pretended that Joy and I were still married.

(2 days go by of The Darvilles and Earl at the trailer – cut to them sitting in the living room talking)

 

Buzz: so what’s it like fighting over there in the desert.

 

Earl: (looks at Joy) Well Buzz, it’s a lot like the beach. Except the sharks have guns and they’re running around on the sand and shooting at ya and yelling in a fish language, you don’t understand. It got to me. (drinks his beer)

 

Joy: he’s my hero.

(Buzz and Connie believes what just came out of Earl mouth.)

 

Buzz; yes he is.

 

CUT TO: Earl is helping Darnell climb in the window, shivering, Joy is asleep in bed

 

Earl: (v.o) I’d take the day shift and Darnell would sneak back in for the night shift.

 

Darnell: thanks Earl. It’s cold outside in that manger. I don’t know how Jesus did
it.

 

Earl: no problem Crabman. I’ll be back in the morning. Put a beer can on the window when its safe to come in. (climbs out window)

 

Earl: (v.o) while I was busy making sure I didn’t ruin Joy’s Christmas. Randy was keeping his hand on that car so I could cross her off, for ruining the last six.

 

CUT TO: Car contest – Randy’s and Catalina’s hands are on the car, with 100 people, then 50, then 20 then 3.

 

Earl: (v.o) in a few days time took its toll and there were only 3 people left. And one of them was getting tired.

(guy is  falling asleep, Randy and Catalina look at each other Randy counts to three and and they both scream, waking up the radio announcer and the guy, buzzer sounds)

 

Radio Announcer: you’re out.

 

Guy: damn it.

 

Randy: we did it Catalina, we won. Joy’s gonna get a her car.

 

Catalina: Joy? I’m not doing this for Joy. I hate Joy.

 

Randy: I thought we were doing this together. You know like a team.

 

Catalina; I never said that. When I win this car, I;m keeping it.

 

Randy: Catalina, winning this car for Joy is my Christmas present to Earl. This is for a family. At Christmas! You know finesse blah be blah.

 

Catalina: that means nothing.

 

Randy: to you maybe. But to an American it means Christmas in Mexican.

 

CUT TO: Joy’s Trailer – Earl is getting the boy’s bikes out of his car.

 

Earl: (v.o) Joy and her dad had taken the boys to the mall so it was the perfect time to sneak their new bikes into the trailer. Joy’s mom was home but I was confident she could keep a secret.

(Earl carrying bike up to front door of trailer, walks in trailer) 

 

Connie: (screaming, jumping up and down, out of her chair at the TV- the greyhounds) Get it moving, get it moving , go go go. Damn. (Turns around and sees Earl, smiles) Hey.

 

Earl: (v.o) Turns out Connie had a secret of her own.

 

Earl: you can walk.

 

Connie: oh my god. Is that what I’m doin.

 

Earl: were you gambling.

 

Connie: Gambl—fine. Damnit. I’ve got a gambling problem okay. Not all of us can be lucky enough to get our thrill from goin off and killing bad people. Don’t you judge me.

 

Earl: n—n-n i-i-I’m not judging you. I’m just a little surprised that’s all. So you’re not sick.

 

Connie: I fake dialysis. Buzz doesn’t know I go to the track, thinks we get ten percent discount if I pay the doctor in cash.

 

FLASHBACK – Buzz is making a waterbed, Connie walks up to him.

 

Connie: Buzz give me a thousand dollars, I gotta go in for dialysis.

 

Buzz: again? You just went this morning.

 

Connie: yeah. I-i-uh my kidney is really flaring up today.

 

Buzz: here let me take you.

 

Connie: no just give me the grand, post times in twenty minutes.

 

Buzz: post time?

 

Connie: I don’t have time to explain medical terms to you. My kidney’s failing.

 

END FLASHBACK – back to Earl and Connie at the trailer

 

Earl: ok I understand th-the kidney stuff to explain the money and time to go gambling, But why the           wheelchair, seems unnecessary.

 

Connie: I sprained my ankle a few months ago and I got used to being pushed around. Don’t you judge me.

 

Earl: no I’m n—

(Joy pulls up outside the trailer beeping her horn)

 

Connie: oh my god is that them. Oh my god, oh Earl please don’t tell. Please don’t, they’re gonna be so mad, you’re not gonna let em know are you. You’re gonna ruin Christmas. You don’t want to ruin Christmas, do you Earl?

(Joy and Buzz are walking past the window, Earl looks at the door)

 

Earl: (v.o) last thing I wanted to do was ruin Christmas.

(The door opens and Earl is holding Connie up from her wheelchair.)

(Joy gasps.)

 

Earl: (struggling to hold her) her favorite song came on the radio and she really wanted to dance.

(Connie starts clicking her fingers.)

 

CUT TO – Car Contest – Randy and Catalina are still standing at the car.

 

Earl: (v.o) while I was keeping everyone’s secrets, Randy and Catalina were battling it out for the car. For a woman who spent four days on a raft to get to America, Catalina was surprisingly sensitive to the sun. (Catalina looking faint, and swaying, with her eyes rolling into the back of her head.)

 

Randy: (worried, moves around the car, keeping his hand on the car) Catalina? Catalina?

 

Catalina: Papa?

 

Randy: Catalina, it’s me your friend Randy.

 

Catalina: I don’t know where to go, when Papa. (faints to the ground) You bastard. When a woman           faints you catch her.

 

Randy: when a woman faints, she doesn’t keep her hand on the car.

 

Catalina: damn. My elbows bleeding. I hit a rock. (Randy looks at it and starts dry retching) This is my favorite elbow.

 

Randy: don’t show me blood. I can’t see blood.

 

Catalina: why? (following Randy around the car) do you have a problem with blood
(shows her elbow)

(Randy faints, the buzzer sounds)

 

Radio Announcer: You’re out. We got a winner.

(Catalina jumps up and down excitedly.)

 

Radio Announcer: well congratulations. We have a lot of paper work to fill out you want to start by giving me your social security number.

 

Catalina: my what?

 

Radio Announcer: social security number.

 

Catalina: of course. 4-2-1-3-6-7-8-2-5-7-6-8-14-11-6.

 

Radio Announcer: 6. you a citizen?

(Catalina looks at the Radio announcer to randy and back to the radio announcer and then turns and runs)

 

Earl: (v.o) turns out Catalina had a secret of her own.

(Randy and the radio announcer look at each other, the radio announcer hands Randy the keys. And they shake hands)

 

Earl: (v.o) Randy won the car by default. Everything was falling into place.

 

CUT TO: Earl and Randy putting a big bow on Joy’s new car. Randy and Earl smile at each other, Randy gets in Earl’s car and leaves. Earl looks up and Connie is waving to him from the RV. Earl walks inside the trailer. Earl checks in on the boys and Darnell climbs through the window, to Joy. While Earl is putting a bow on the boys bikes, he hears a car door and goes to the window. He sees Connie run to Joy’s new car and get in.

 

Earl: Hey! Hey.! (runs to the car, while Connie is reversing out) Hey. Connie. Where are you goin.

 

Connie: to the Indian casino. I have to gamble Earl. I have a problem. Don’t judge me. (drives off)

 

Earl: but that was Joy’s Christmas gift. (runs to Joy’s old car, it won’t start)

 

CUT TO: Earl riding one of the boys bikes down the road. (Jingle Bells is playing, while he’s riding) Connie is walking up the road.

 

Earl: where’s the car?

 

Connie: at the Indian casino. I lost it.

 

Earl: how could you lose the car?

 

FLASHBACK- Indian Casino – Connie is at the roulette table, there is an Indian dealer and official.

 

Roulette: place your bets. Place your bets.

(Connie holds up the car key and places it on red 7)

 

Connie: Dodge Neon on number 7.

 

Roulette: Dodge Neon. (official nods) Dodge Neon plays.

 

END FLASHBACK – back to Earl and Connie down the road.

 

Earl: I can’t believe you lost my car. That car was for Joy, I was gonna give it to her for Christmas.

 

Connie: don’t you judge me.

(Connie is now riding the bike and Earl running beside her)

 

Earl: come on its been 20 minutes. Its’ my turn.

 

Connie: no it hadn’t. I’ve been counting.

 

Earl: you said we’d share.

 

CUT TO: Joy’s trailer. – Earl and Connie walk in. Buzz it at the fridge.

 

Connie: can’t you go to the dealership in the morning and get a new one. I think they give discounts to soldiers.

 

Buzz: Connie? You’re walking.

 

Connie: it’s a Christmas miracle.

(Joy walks out of the bedroom)

 

Joy; momma where’s your wheelchair.

 

Buzz: Connie what’s going on.

(Connie looks at Earl)

 

Earl: I’m done Connie.

 

Connie: oh ok. I have a gambling problem. My kidneys are fine. I’ve been using the dialysis money to go gamble. I’ve lost everything. Don’t judge me.

 

Buzz: wa-wa-wa-wa-Wait wait wh-wh-wh- what do you mean everything.

 

Connie: you remember when I told you to sign the business over to me incase something bad happened. Something bad happened.

 

Joy: that business was gonna be mine. How could you do this to the family? How could you – how could you lie to all of our faces.

 

Darnell: Baby you got baby an orange soda.

 

Joy; oh my god it’s a Negro. Quick we’re being robbed.

 

Buzz: I got him. (gets Darnell in a headlock) Earl grab his feet son.

 

Earl: let him go Buzz.

 

Buzz: help me hold him till the cops get here. Son come on.

 

Earl: stop calling me son. Okay, I’m not your son. (Joy hits him) I can’t do this anymore. He’s your son.

 

Buzz: what?

 

Darnell: I’m your son.

 

Buzz: you are. (looks at Darnell’s face) you Thelma’s boy.

 

Earl: (v.o) turns out Buzz had a secret of his own. Joy was wrong. Her father didn’t hate black people he loved them.

 

 (FLASHBACK OF 1967, 1973, 1981 at the waterbed store with 3 different black women)

 

Buzz: how did you find me?

 

Connie: maybe it is your son. Look at his ears, he’s got white people ears.

 

Joy: my god. He is not your son. He’s my husband you idiot! I just didn’t tell you cos I thought you were racist.

 

Buzz: I’m not racist.

 

Joy: then why did you flip out when I wanted to go out with that black guy in high school.

 

Buzz: because that good looking black guy was your half brother. One of them.

(Joy looks shocked and disgusted)

 

Connie: you lying son of a bitch.

 

Buzz: well ain’t that the pot calling the kettle black

 

Connie: I’m a black pot am I, that would turn you on buster. You wanna give it to a black pot (smacks her butt) you want to dance Mr Kettle (shimmies up to him)

 

Earl: (v.o) they argued like this for the rest of the night. Each one of them thinking that the other one’s secret was worse than their own. But eventually morning came and when the sun came up and the creatures started to stir (Earl Jr and Dodge run into the living room, excited to see their bikes) Well they had to stop. (Earl Jr and Dodge start jumping up and down, happy, Everyone stops arguing and just watch the boys) and before you knew it the fight was over. Sure they all had secrets, big ones, but the truth is the only reason everybody was keeping their secrets was cos they didn’t want to lose each other. (Everyone is sitting in the living room, laughing and opening presents) now that they had nothing to hide well they could just relax and enjoy their Christmas. And that meant Joy had the best Christmas she’s ever had. I could cross her off my list. (Earl still standing in the doorway, crosses Joy off his list. He watches on smiling)
 

THE END