Épisode Mon frère ce héros S01E14 - My Name Is Earl Saison 1

N.B The date this week episode was based on was in fact the same week it aired. Earl started number 18 on Monday 23 January 2006 and finished on the Friday 27 January 2006. (The date was on his watch, Monday’s date was wrong, but every other day was right.)

 
OPENING CREDITS

OPENING SCENE – Crab Shack – Randy is playing on the Claw machine unsuccessfully clawing Kermit. Randy walks over to Earl who is sitting at a table.

Earl: (v.o) Ever since I made my list and got us out of the stealing business, Randy doesn’t have an income anymore.

Randy: Can I have more money for the claw machine? (Earl closes his eyes) you’re the one who told me to go after Kermit he’s got those skinny legs, he’s not a cheap Muppet to claw.

(Earl gives Randy some money, Randy runs off. Joy walks up to Earl)

Joy: Hey dummy. (throws a newspaper on the table) One of your little butt buddies, Hank Lange made it in the newspaper. (Joy sits down) Jackass tried to rob a liquor store with a crossbow.

(Earl looks at paper – Headline reads ‘ Jackass tries to rob a liquor store with a crossbow)

Earl: Jackass tries to rob a liquor store with a crossbow. Wow, I didn’t think you could say jackass in the newspaper.

Joy: World’s changing Earl. You’d be surprised what the asswipes in the media are allowed to get away with. There’s a picture of the stupid duschbag on the bottom. Shot himself in the arm.

(Shows a picture of Hank being escorted by two officers with a arrow sticking out of his arm)

Earl: wow that’s gotta hurt. Twenty years? They’re sending him to state prison for twenty years.

Joy: long stretch. But at least he’ll be able to spend some quality time with his daddy. (smirking)

Earl: (v.o) as bad as I felt for Hank. I had my own problem. Hank was on my list. Number 18, told an inappropriate story at Hank Lange’s birthday party.

FLASHBACK – Hank’s party. Hank’s family and friends are there.

Hank’s Uncle: so I said well if you have to take a leak just do it in the ocean. He walked to the edge of the water, dropped his tiny trunks and whizzed into the ocean.

(Everyone laughs.)

Earl: (very drunk) I got a story about Hank. It was Steve Coco’s bachelor party. (Hanks face falls, shaking his head) Like all bachelor parties there was some entertainment.

Hank: ah Earl. Maybe this isn’t the best time.

Earl: no no no come on Hank. I won’t tell the bad part. (loudly) so Hank went into the bathroom with this stripper and then ah some stuff happened. (Everyone looks uncomfortable) Anyway Hank comes out about ten minutes later with his tongue down this strippers throat telling her how she’s gonna be his wife and then all of a sudden somebody said to Hank, I think she’d make a better husband cos she’s a duuuuuuude. (laughs) Whoo! Whoo! (still laughing, everyone else is speechless)

END FLASHBACK – BACK TO Crab Shack – Earl talking to Joy.

Earl: if I want to cross him off my list before they send him to state prison I got to do it by Friday.

(Randy walks up to the table)

Randy: can I have another quarter?

Earl: sorry Randy. I only got one and I want to listen to some Skynard while I eat my crab cakes.

(gets up and walks away)

Randy: (to Joy) can I have a quarter?

Joy: now I know you’re begging ass did not just ask me for a quarter.

(Darnell walks up to the table with food)

Randy: Hey Darnell, do you have a quarter I can borrow?

Darnell: I think so. (puts his hand in his pocket)

Joy: yeah he’s got a quarter. You know why he’s got a quarter? Cos he’s got a damn job, that’s why he’s got a quarter.

Darnell: I don’t have a quarter. Just three nickels and a super sour gummy worm. Sorry.

(Darnell walks away)

Joy: when does your lazy ass gonna stop mooching off your brother and get a damn job. You damn near 30 years old. You need to start acting like an adult like the rest of us. (pauses, looks at Randy then turns around angry) Darnell, don’t you go running off with my gummy worm, you know you took it out of my trick or treating bucket!!

CUT TO: Prison – Earl and Randy are being searched by 2 officers.

Earl: One time me and Hank polished off four bottles of cherry mad dog and swore to each other that if one of us ever got put away for hard time, the other one would break him out. I hope he doesn’t remember that Randy.

Randy: should I get a job?

Earl: What?

Randy: Joy said I should get a job, so you don’t have to support me anymore. You know pay for my food and Muppets and what not.

Earl: I don’t mind supporting you.

Randy: ok.

Earl: although I mean ahh it wouldn’t hurt to get a job, if you ahh wanted to.

Randy: so should I get a job.

Earl: I don’t know I mean we got the lotto money to live with (keeps talking while the officer puts his hand in his mouth) but that’s only gonna get us so far. I don’t mind supporting you but I don’t want to run out of money before I can cross everything off my list. I really think its my purpose in life you know.

Randy: then I’m gonna get a job.

Earl: really?

Randy: yeah. I want you to be able to do all the things on your list and you know who knows maybe it is time for me to find my purpose.

(The officers walk Earl and Randy in the visiting room)
 
Earl: I really think that’s a good idea Randy. A purpose is a great thing to have. Gives you a reason to wake up every morning.

Randy: so a purpose is like a box of powdered donut holes.

(Hank is sitting behind the glass window holding a phone)

Earl: exactly. (waves to Hank and picks up the phone)

Hank: you here to break me out.

Earl: you remember that huh?

Hank: yeah. But don’t worry about it. I’m cool inside here. Hey Randy.

(Earl passes the phone to Randy)

Randy: I’m getting a job.

Hank: good for you. (to Earl) so what’s up. You here just for a visit?

Earl: well ahh actually I have something that I need to talk to you about. See I’ve got this list.

(A prisoner sitting beside Hank points to Randy and motions for him to sit down)
 
Randy: (picks up phone) Hello.
 
Prisoner: Hey my wife didn’t show up. You wanna chat?

Randy: sure. What’s your name?

(Back to Earl and Hank’s conversation)

Earl: I want to cross you off my list. I just don’t know what to do.

Hank: alright how bout this. Since you gave me a bad day, give me one good day before I get transferred upstate.

Earl: that seems fair. What do you want me to do?

Hank: bring my grandma in for a visit. She can’t drive. And bring a copy of my hometown newspaper so she can read it to me. That day’s copy. Gibtown journal. Get it from my uncle. He gets it in the mail. And bring some donuts. From Yummy’s. Fresh ones.
 
Earl: alright. So ahh grandma, Gibtown journal from your uncle and Yummy’s donuts. Done.

(they both nod and hang up. Randy’s conversation.)

Randy: have you tried talking to him? Maybe if you just explained your not a gay. He’ll find someone else.

Prisoner: I tried that. My wife is gonna put a razor in her mouth and pass it too me when we made out during my conjugal. Got anything sharp on you?

Randy: just my toenails. But I won’t put em in my mouth, they’re dirty.

Prisoner: you know what. I think I’m just gonna close my eyes and power through it.

Randy: yeah. I think that’s your only choice.

(The prisoner puts his hand on the window. Randy does it too)

Prisoner: good luck on your job search.

Randy: thanks. (hangs up phone and walks away)

 
CUT TO: Crab Shack, Earl is playing pool with Catalina and Randy is reading the paper.

Earl: (v.o) since visiting hours over at the jail are over at noon, I have to wait till the next day to give Hank his good day.

Randy: here’s one. It says dancers wanted. I love to dance.

Catalina: that’s Club Chubby Randy. They’re looking for strippers. I used to work there.

Randy: you think I could be a pilot.

Earl: keep reading.

Darnell: hey Randy, if you’re looking for a job. We need a busboy. The old guy took a bad spill in the men’s room.

Randy: thanks Darnell but I was gonna try and find a job where I wouldn’t slip in pee pee.

Darnell: okay. Good luck with that.

Randy: here’s a good one. Make your own hours. No experience necessary.

Earl: no experience. You got a lot of that. (looks at paper) it’s selling cleaning supplies door to door.

Randy: sounds cool. (reading ad) I’m not only making money but making the world a brighter place. This could be my purpose Earl. (excitedly) I’m gonna call. (walks away)

Earl: (to Catalina) how long did you work at Club Chubby.

Catalina: about a month.

Earl: did you make good money? (Catalina starts dancing, using the pool cue as a pole) I’m guessing that’s a yes.

 
CUT TO: Motel room – Monday - 11am – Earl’s alarm goes off. Earl wakes up and gets out of bed. Randy is still asleep.

Earl: (v.o) The next day I got up bright and early to give Hank his good day. Since Hanks grandma lived on the way to the jailhouse and Hank wanted his donuts fresh I figured the smart thing to do was go by his uncles and get the newspaper first.

 
CUT TO: Earl walking up 5 flights of stairs to Hank’s Uncles apartment. Hank’s uncle is in a wheelchair.

Earl: so ahh I just need your newspaper, if you don’t mind.

Hank’s Uncle: I don’t mind. It’s in my mailbox down in the lobby.

Earl: well should we go get it.

Hank’s Uncle: if you wanna carry me down the stairs.

Earl: we’ll take the elevator.

Hank’s Uncle: I don’t trust elevators. They break fall and paralyze people.

Earl: that’s crazy. Elevators are perfectly safe. I mean they’re not just gonna (stops, thinks, then picks up a snow globe. Oh (chuckles) Barbados. Th-that’s nice.

Earl: (v.o) Hank’s uncle didn’t trust me with his mailbox key being a friend of his criminal nephew and all so getting the newspaper turned out harder than I thought. (Earl is pushing Hank’s uncle the stairs in his wheelchair.) Meanwhile Randy was off on his first day of work.

 
CUT TO: Randy dressed in a shirt and tie, which a hat - Walks up to Joy’s Trailer.

Earl: (v.o) Rather than starting out going door to door to strangers. He decided to get warmed up with people he knew.

(Randy knocks on the door, Joy opens it.)

Joy: what?

Randy: (looking at note card) Hello ma’am. How would you like to end your daily fight with stubborn stains. Half circle remember to maintain eye contact half circle.

(Joy stands there shaking her head)

 
CUT TO: Earl and Hank’s uncle. Earl has pushed him down 3 ½ flights.

Hank’s Uncle: I’ve got to poop.

Earl: But we’re almost halfway down.

Hank’s Uncle: I’ve gotta poop.

(Earl rolls his eyes and starts pulling him back up the flights of stairs.)
 
CUT TO – Joy’s Trailer – Randy is spraying the cleaning product on the window.

Randy: you obviously do a fine job of cleaning. Just your room (looks around trailer – it is messy) But the bright time cleaning system could make your job easier and save you time. Time that you could be using to bake a casserole or have tea with your lady friends.

Joy: so you think that one bottle can clean that whole window?

(Randy reads off bottle.)

Randy: This one bottle could clean all your windows in your home slash apartment slash trailer.

Joy: This I got to see.

(Randy starts cleaning her windows, she sits down and watches tv.)

 
CUT TO – Hank’s Uncles – Earl is pushing him back in his apartment.

Hank’s Uncle: (hands mail to Earl) Tell Hank I said hello.

Earl: (looks at watch: reads 11:56) Actually I don’t think I’m gonna make it down to see him today. Visiting hours are over at noon. I have to get an earlier start tomorrow. And try and get your business done before we make it halfway down the stairs

Hank’s Uncle: I’ll see what I can do. I’m not exactly running the show.

 
CUT TO – Joy’s trailer – Joy is painting her toenails when Randy walks in dirty.

Randy: Ma’am. Would you like the deluxe, the mini deluxe or the basic deluxe package?

Joy: sorry honey, but we’re just a little bit tight on cash right now. We usually just steal our cleaning supplies from the gas station bathroom down the street.

Randy: oh. Well that makes sense. (picks up the cleaning products and walks out)

Joy: Congratulations on your new job. (Randy closes the door) Dumbass.

Earl: (v.o) I felt bad that Randy was having trouble finding his purpose in life but I was waking up to my      own problems.

 
CUT TO – Motel Room – 8.00am – Tuesday - The alarm goes off.

Earl: (v.o) 8am is early for a guy like me. Real early. But I wanted to make sure I got to Hank’s uncles on time to get everything done. (Earl pulling Hank’s Uncle up the stairs, exhausted.) And by the time I got to Yummy’s, I was right on schedule. (Yummy’s - Earl rings the bell, Didi one legged girl   – hops towards him)

Earl: Didi? I didn’t know you worked here.

Didi: Son of a Bitch! (throws a tray of donuts at him) I told my parent we were getting married.

(Earl runs away)

 
CUT TO: Randy – hospital. He is talking to an orderly.

Earl: (v.o) while I was trying to figure out how I was gonna get those donuts, Randy was seeing if a new      profession was his purpose.

Orderly: this is Mr Parker. You’ve got to prep him for surgery.

Randy: I’ve never shaved a man’s face before. I saw footloose’s wife do it in that movie where the cool sweathog could break beers with his brains. It looked easy. Shaving the sweathogs face not breaking beer with brains. I think they did that with trick photography.

Orderly: well you’re not shaving his face. Mr Parker’s having a vasectomy.

(Mr Parker lifts his legs in the air.)

Randy: I’m out. (quickly leaves room)

 
CUT TO – Yummy’s donuts – Earl is outside talking to Hank on the payphone.

Earl: listen Hank, I’ve been trying to get someone to buy me donuts for the last two hours people think      I’m crazy. Do they have to be from Yummy’s. ok. Alright. No I hear ya. No I said I hear ya.

(hangs up phone. And looks inside Yummy’s where Didi is serving a customer and hops out to the back room. Earl gets an idea and runs tothe door, as he gets there she comes back to the front counter. Earl looks in phonebook for Yummy’s and calls. Didi has to go out to the back to answer the phone – Earl runs in gets the donuts, puts money on the counter and runs out. Didi is finds the money on the counter and looks around. Earl gets in his car and looks at his watch – 11:58. He’s too late)

 
CUT TO – Crab Shack – Earl walks in. Randy follows reading the paper.
 
Earl: I’m gonna have to get an earlier start tomorrow that’s all.
 
(Darnell walks past with a pile of dishes)
 
Darnell: Hey Earl
 
Earl: Hey Crabman.
 
Randy: Here’s a good one Earl. Join the exciting world of science research. Science, Earl. Do you think that could be my purpose?
 
Earl: I don’t know Randy. Maybe your purpose is sticking with a job for more than one day.
 
Randy: do you think I’ve found my purpose I’ll get some sort of sign? Like a glowing light? Not like an alien abduction or anything but a Jesus light.
 
Earl: I don’t know Randy. I doubt it.
 
(Joy walks in)
 
Joy: Hey Mr Clean. Where you been? Promised my neighbour you’d clean her trailer.
 
Randy: it turns out that’s not my purpose. I’m gonna work in the ever changing landscape of cosmetic testing. (smiling)
 
Joy: cosmetics? (laughs) there’s not enough cosmetics in the world to cover your dumb looking face. (laughs) But seriously, if they send you free testers, you better hook me up. (walks away)
 
 
CUT TO – Motel Room – 7.00am – Wednesday - the alarm goes off.
 
Earl: (v.o) 7am is early for a guy like me. But sometimes you got to do what you have to do. (Earl gets up - Hank’s Uncles- up the stairs – Yummy’s Donuts – rings, runs in, gets donuts and runs out) As it turned out much like everything else on this little chore picking up Hank’s grandma wasn’t easy. (Earl is driving around the block) I drove around an hour till I found a parking spot. (Earl finds spot and parks, looks at watch. 11:59.) As much as I was disappointed with my day Randy was more   disappointed with his new career in science.

 
CUT TO –Cosmetics Laboratory – Randy is strapped to a car.

Cosmetic tester: Ready to get started

Randy: I guess

(He blows powder over Randy’s face, Randy’s vision is blurry.)

Cosmetic tester: You can go home now. Be sure to call us as soon as you get your sight back.)

Randy: thank you Doctor.

Cosmetic tester: (Chuckles) I’m no doctor. Hey Darryn this guy just called me doctor.

(Randy walks into wall and passes out.)
                                

CUT TO: Motel Room – Earl is helping a blind Randy.

Randy: I don’t think I like the exciting world of science anymore. It’s no fun being blind. Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling. I think he can’t see that he’s smiling. Am I smiling Earl?

Earl: no Randy. You’re not smiling.

Randy: hey Earl can you hand me the wanted ads. (Earl looks annoyed, sighs) I’m gonna find another job. (Earl hands him the paper, Randy holds it up, yells into Earl’s stomach) Hey Earl could you read this for me.

Earl: I’m not gonna read to you. I got to get up at the crack of dawn Randy. I’ve got my own problems to deal with.

Randy: at least you have your sight.

(Catalina walks in and sits on the couch, Randy turns around on the chair moving in the direction of Earl’s voice)

Earl: one of the reasons you were gonna get a job was so you could be more independent. But so far I’ve had to give you money for cleaning supplies, play doctor with you and after dinner I’m literally going to help you use the bathroom.

Randy: you don’t have to hold anything, just get me on the seat, I’ll go like a girl.

Earl: Randy why don’t you just take the job as a busboy at the Crab Shack?

Randy: I don’t want to be a busboy earl. I want something cool, like you have with your list. I want a purpose.

Earl: well maybe not everybody has a purpose. But at least they contribute. Pull their own weight, if you really want to help you need to stop trying to do all these crazy jobs and just go be a busboy.

Randy: fine. I’ll be a busboy.

Earl: good.

(Randy turns around on the chair, eating chicken/crabcakes. He has some food on his face and Catalina picks up a napkin to wipe it off. Randy jumps up, throwing his food, totally freaking.. Hilarious!)

Randy: who’s there? Who’s there?  

 
CUT TO: Motel Room – 6:00am – Thursday – The alarm goes off. Earl gets up.
 
Earl: (v.o) 6am is early for a guy like me, but I was determined that today was gonna be the day that I gave Hank his good day.

(Randy wakes up, and waves his hand in front of his face and smiles and goes back to sleep.)
 
 
CUT TO: Hank’s uncles, Earl pulls him up the stairs. Yummy’s Donuts, Earl calls, runs in takes donuts, gives money and runs. Hank’s Grandma - Drives around and parks the car.
 
Earl: (v.o) with the donuts in hand. All I had to do was pick up Grandma and get to the jail by noon.

Earl: alright lets get going. Hank is waiting.

Grandma: oki doki.

Nurse: you have to take her drops.

Earl: what?

Nurse: her eye drops. You have to put drops in her eyes every ten minutes or they’ll dry out and her lids will stick to the balls. You don’t want to see that. Her watch has a timer on it to remind you. Oh and she hates it, so good luck. (Earl looks at the eye drops)

CUT TO: Earl driving down the road. The timer goes off.

Earl: does that mean its time for your drops.

Grandma: no.

Earl: I think that means its time for your drops.

Grandma: no it doesn’t.

Earl: (pulls car over) now I have to give you your drops or they’ll dry out.

Grandma: I don’t like them.

Earl: I know, just give me your head.

Grandma; I don’t wanna

Earl: give me your head

Grandma:  no.

Earl: you’re gonna make me wrestle you aren’t you?

Grandma: yes.

Earl: (sighs) alright. Lets do this.

(Hank’s grandma and Earl fight in the car)

Earl: relax it’ll be easy. It’s just gonna take a second. (Earl finally gets the drops in her eyes)

Grandma: thanks.

Earl: no problem. (Earl looks at his watch, 11:58.) Damnit.

 
CUT TO: Crab Shack – Earl walks in. Darnell and Randy are working

Darnell: Hey Earl

Earl: Hey Crabman (to Randy) so how was your first day?

Randy: fine I guess. I made some money. Who knows maybe this is my purpose in life. I’m good at helping people, they can’t eat if other peoples plates are on the table. I mean they can but its crowded and kinda gross. Hey, maybe my purpose in life is to make things less crowded and less gross. How’s prison?

Earl: didn’t get there. I’ll have to try again tomorrow.

Randy: I got the day off, can I hang out with you.

Earl: sure but we’re gonna have to get up real early.

Randy: how early?

 
CUT TO – Motel room – 5:00am – Friday – The alarm goes off. Earl wakes up. Pulls the cover off Randy, who has his hands down his pants.
 
Earl: Herky Perky, hands off jerky!

Randy: pookytrim

CUT TO – Hank’s Uncles – Earl is pushing H. Uncle down the stairs. Randy helps, Earl smiles. Yummy’s donuts, Earl waits in the car while Randy buys donuts. Earl is happy. Grandma’s – Earl double parks while is runs in to get Grandma. Randy fights with her with the eye drops.

CUT TO – The jail. Earl and Randy are walking in.

Earl: it’s only 6.30 am. Visiting hours don’t even start until 8.

Randy: why did we have to get up so early.

Earl: because what took me four days trying to get done without you only took an hour and half with you.

Randy: I’m sorry.

Earl: no randy. It means I need you.

Randy: you do.

Earl: yeah. I shouldn’t have told you to take that job. If I’m gonna cross off all the stuff on my list, I’m gonna need you with me. Not working as a busboy.

Randy: really?

Earl: yeah. Think about it. You were with me when I did most of the things on this list. Maybe you’re suppose to be there with me when I fix em. The list is my purpose but I think you being there to help me is yours.

Randy: I sure like that a lot better than picking up wadded up napkins with gross stuff inside.

Earl: well then your hired.(shakes his hand, Randy and Earl are happy.)

(the sun shines in Randy face)

Randy: a light. This is my purpose.

Earl: that’s just the sun coming out from behind the clouds.

Randy; and its doin it just for me. How cool is that? (smiling, Earl smiles at him)

(Grandma’s watch alarm goes off.)

Earl: grab her feet, I’ll pry her eyes open. (both hold grandma)

 
THE END