Épisode Le roi du hot-dog S01E13 - My Name Is Earl Saison 1

OPENING SCENE – Crab Shack – Earl Jr’s 5th Birthday party. Earl and Ralph are sitting at a table drinking beer and Joy is sitting at a table with Earl Jr and Dodge.

Earl: (v.o) It’s nice when the whole gang puts their differences aside and gets back together for something important like Earl Jr’s birthday party.

Earl Jr: I’m five. There’s only four candles.

Joy: I know how old you are honey. Look (counts the candles) 1, 2, 3, 4, (puts her cigarette in the cake for the 5th candle) 5. (smiles and walks away)

CUT TO – Darnell dressed like a magician, in front of four kids and Randy.

Darnell: (pulls out a card) is this your card?

Randy: no.

Darnell: (pulls out another card) is this your card?

Randy: no

Darnell: (another card) is this your card?

Randy: I think you told me to pick a colour.

Darnell: was it green?

Randy: I forget.

CUT TO: Earl, Ralph and Joy talking.

Ralph: this sucks man. I thought when you said the gang was getting back together that meant we were gonna steal something. Not watch a bunch of snot nosed little kids eating cake. Man this sucks.

Joy: Sorry Ralph. Ever since little Dudley Dooray here broke up the gang, this is it.

Earl: I didn’t break up the gang.

Ralph: yeah you did

Earl: We’re still a gang.

(Randy joins them)

Joy: you call this a gang. How many other gangs you know of have a damn magician? What is that I don’t know.

Earl: we can have fun this is fun. (blows a kazoo)

Randy: you have to admit Earl, our gang was a lot funner before you discovered karma. The craziest thing any of us has done lately is when you were in the bathroom and Ralph stuck that kazoo down his crack.

(Joy giggles, Earl stops blowing the kazoo and takes it out of his mouth)

Ralph: you’re it stinky lips. (laughs)

(Earl drinks some beer)

Earl: (v.o) I guess Randy was right. Working a scam with a top notch crew was a bit more thrilling than a kazoo.

FLASHBACK: Earl and Joy are walking down the street, stopping at a jewellery shop window, Joy points at a necklace and they going in. Ralph is waiting inside, looking around. Randy is there too. The sales lady takes the necklace out of the window display and hands it to Joy, who hands it to Earl, who hands it to Ralph swapping it for another one. As Earl is putting it around Joy’s neck, Randy sets off the door alarm, the sales lady motions him to move forward and Ralph leaves the shop. They all meet Ralph outside on the street. END FLASHBACK

CUT BACK TO: Crab Shack.

Randy: I don’t like to complain about free food but this hotdog taste like …. Zoo.

Joy: Well Earl Jr only eats long things that he can dip in ketcup and winky dinky dogs are the only thing round since Pops old fashioned wieners closed.

Ralph: Pop’s old fashioned wieners didn’t close.

Randy: yes it did.

Ralph: no it didn’t

Randy: yes it did. There was a sink hole and it swallowed up him and his cart an-an-and there was a solar eclipse that night. Tell em Earl.

Earl: ah yeah th-that’s what I heard.

Ralph: oh really. Well I heard you and I stole it for $200 and you spent your half at club chubby’s to get that girl to break the rules. Which she did! (goes for a high-5, laughing)

(Earl looks uncomfortable)

FLASHBACK- Opening day at Winky Dinky’s – the manager is outside with a sign. Everyone in Camden is lining up for Pop’s, the manager of WD is angry.

Earl: (v.o) a few years ago when the winky dinky hotdog chain opened a new store in Camden county. Unfortunately the grand opening wasn’t as grand as they had hoped. People were just creatures of habit and they were just used to going to pop’s. that’s because pop’s wieners was an institution, everybody loved Pop’s. Almost everybody. (Earl and Randy are sitting in Winky Dinky’s drive thru, drunk) Later that day, Ralph and I were offered an opportunity.

Ralph: alright I want to get a free shot. (burps)

Earl: alright. Give it to me. (gets up and stands against the wall, covering his you know what)

Ralph: (holding a tennis ball) no no no no I want three in a row buddy, you can’t cover. (Earl puts his hands up) Fast ball! (hits Earl, right in his unmentionables, Ralph screams) Yeah Buddy Yeah buddy!!!

Manager: Hey. You geniuses want to make $200?

Ralph: yeah buddy. The only thing is if it involves maths or spelling or anything like that we might need a little extra time cos we’re not really like the geniuses you think we are.

Earl: (v.o) luckily he didn’t need geniuses to knock his competition out of business. (Earl is securing Pop’s HD cart to the back of his car) He just needed a couple of drunk crooks. It might have been smarter to take the back roads but how often do you get to surf a giant wiener down main street. Life’s too short. (Earl is driving the car while Ralph is standing on top of the cart screaming.)

END FLASHBACK – CUT TO Crab Shack where Joy and Randy look angry.

Joy: I can’t believe you did that.

Randy: yeah taking away Pop’s hotdogs from Camden County is like taking chicken wings out of Syracuse.

Ralph: I think its buffalo buddy.

Randy: Buffalo?

Ralph: yeah

Randy: (thinking) no no I think its chicken.

Joy: it is. It’s chicken. Spicy chicken.

Earl: look I’ve done a lot of bad things that’s why I made a list. (take the list out of his pocket)

Randy: I hope old Pop’s hotdog cart is on there.

Earl: he is I wrote it down in code so no one would know what I did. Number 159, stole P’s HD cart. I’m gonna do it.

Earl: (v.o) and just like that I knew what I need to do next on my list.

CUT TO: Pop’s house. Earl and Randy are knocking on his door.

Earl: (v.o) after we found out his cart where we hid it in the woods, we went over to Pop’s  to give it back.

Pop’s: yes.

Earl: Pop’s

Pop’s: that’s me.

Earl: ahh awhile ago me and a friend

(Pop’s sees his cart on the back of Earls car)

Pop’s: that’s my cart. You found my cart. You found my cart. (happy, he hugs Earl) you found it.

Randy: I helped too.

Pop’s: (hugs Randy too) You found my cart.

CUT TO: Pop’s no one is there, they are all over at Winky Dinky Dogs lining up.

Earl: (v.o) fortunately Pop’s was a very forgiving man but putting the cart back in its original location wasn’t enough to get things started. People were used to going to Winky Dinky Dogs because like I said they are creatures of habit (the WD manager salutes). Luckily every creature I know like 2-4-1 coupons. So I recruited Kenny my homosexual friend from the copy hut to design some discount flyers to bring people back to Pop’s.

Earl: Thanks. What do I owe you.

Kenny: oh it’s no charge. I used some paper we had left over from a school job. (Earl flips over the page ‘Ellen Downs for Student council treasurer’) She lost, I guess Camden High wasn’t ready for a lesbian treasurer.

CUT TO: Earl handing out flyers to people.

Earl:  Pop’s is back. 2-4-1.

Earl: (v.o) so I spent a day spreading the news that pop’s was back in business.

Man: who’s Ellen Downs?

Earl: just some high school girl who came out of the closet too soon. Other side.

Guy: 2-4-1

Earl: yep go get yourself a hotdog.

Randy: Ellen Downs for treasurer!!!

Earl: other side Randy.

Earl: (v.o) the flyers worked, in just a few days Pop’s was as busy as ever. I felt good. I had righted a wrong and given a man back his dream. (Earl gets out his list, he reaches for a pen)

Pop’s: (holds out pen) here.

(Meanwhile behind them, Ralph is pouring gas on the hotdog cart)

Earl: thank you Pop’s.

Pop’s: no thank you Earl.

(Ralph flicks his cigarette on the cart. It catches alight.)

Pop’s: thank you (shaking Earl’s hand, they turn around to see the flames) My cart!

Ralph: yeah baby whoo hoo!

Earl: Ralph what the hell are you doing?

Ralph: hey I knew you’d be mad buddy that I couldn’t cut you in. Winky Dinky only paid me 175 bucks this time and I couldn’t figure out how to evenly divide that between two people.

Earl: Winky Dinky Dogs. Of course.

Ralph: yeah

Earl: damnit. Pop’s don’t worry I’ll make sure the guy pays for a new cart.

Ralph: (to Pop’s) you want to go get a lap dance at club chubby? I got some money.

CUT TO: Earl tapping on Winky Dinky’s drive thru window.

Earl: I know you hired my buddy to burn down Pop’s cart. You’re gonna pay the $10 000 to replace it or I’m calling the police.

Manager: what are you gonna tell the police? Are you gonna tell them you stole his cart the first time.

Earl: no I’m not. Actually I’d rather the whole thing didn’t come up.

Manager: well I suggest you don’t call the police.

Earl: then give me $10 000.

Manager: nope.

Earl: then I’m gonna go to the – (the manager smiles) Damnit!

CUT TO: Earl and Randy are walking into a large building.

Earl: (v.o) Since I couldn’t reason with the fella at the store, I figured I’d go over his head. After a little research, I found out Winky Dinky Dog was owned by a giant corporation all the way in the city.

Randy: look at this? Life in the city. You can do anything and be anything. You think they’d mind if I slid across the shiny floor in my socks?

Earl: I wouldn’t start it but I guess if you saw someone else do it you could join in. (to lady at reception desk) Hello. My name is Earl Hickey and I’m hear to speak to the head honcho of this company. Mr Wiener Winky Dinky.

Lady: You mean Mr Covington. And this is concerning?

Earl: well this is very concerning. There was a fire and everything.

Lady: fine, but I can’t let you inside without an appointment.

Earl: so how do I get an appointment?

Lady: you need to talk to someone inside.

Earl: that’s what I’m trying to do.

Lady: then you need an appointment.

Randy: look at all those people in suits Earl, its just like Ted from  ? put on them magic sunglasses and went into the matrix.

Earl: (v.o) that’s when I realised the only way I was gonna speak to Mr Winky Dinky, was to get one of those employee id’s. And that meant becoming an employee. I called Human Resources and found out they were in desperate need for secretary’s all I needed to do was take a typing test. That’s where Kenny came in

(Earl is sitting at a computer typing, very slowly) Kenny is typing very fast)

Earl: (whispering) Hey I typed a real word Flirm it’s a word isn’t it?

(Kenny and Earl are waiting for their work to be printed)

Earl: (v.o) after we finished Kenny and I exchanged our work before we turned it in. (Earl hands Kenny’s work over and the lady looks impressed) Thanks to Kenny and his impeccable typemanship I was hired on the spot. (Kenny hands over Earl’s, the lady looks shocked) as for Kenny he got a better luck next time. (Kenny smiles and leaves the office). That very next day, I started my new pretend career in business. I just had to fake my way through the day and keep my open for Mr Winky Dinky.

Boss: here’s your work space Mr Hickey.

Earl: well thank you sir. I’m happy to be on board.

(The boss leaves and Earl takes a photo out of his briefcase of him, Joy, Darnell and the boys from Joy’s wedding)

Earl: (v.o) I have to say. Office life took a little while in getting used to. (tries opening filing cabinet, he tries pulling the drawer, a woman looks at him)

Earl: oh hey Hilary. Ahh do you have a key for this top one? (She closes the bottom drawer and opens the top) oh that’s how you do it, I didn’t get the memo.

CUT TO: Earl sitting at his desk, where his boss is talking to him.

Boss: you bring up the middle section in excel then you bring up the word document pages 4 through to 6, part of this will be net worth so leave the ? embedded. Oh and put them on a disk for me.

Earl: will do.

Earl: (v.o) since I had no idea what an excel was I decided to hide out in the elevator for a while hoping to spot Mr Covington.

(Earl looking a picture of Mr Covington, Mr Covington enters the elevator and Earl looks at him and then the picture)

Earl: Mr Covington?

Mr Covington: Mr Covington is my fathers name. you can call me Sir.

Earl: well I know you’re a very busy man now that your doing potatoes three ways and everything. But I thought you should know that one of your franchise owners paid a criminal to burn down someone else’s hotdog stand.

Mr Covington: have the police been informed?

Earl: well the witness doesn’t really like to interact with the police because they don’t like me. Him. But I just thought this is the type of thing you’d like to know about.

Mr Covington: actually it’s something I wouldn’t want to know. Ahh

Earl: excuse me?

Mr Covington: business is tough son. You try to play by the rules but sometimes you can’t and when you can’t its better if I can stand up in court and say I didn’t know about it. (the elevator stops) this conversation didn’t happen.  (Mr Covington walks out)

Earl: but it did happen.

Mr Covington: no it didn’t.

Earl: (the doors close) Mr Covington.

CUT TO: Motel room. Earl walks in angry, sits down opens his briefcase and tips out its contents. Randy and Catalina watch him.

Randy: where’d you get all that neat stuff Earl

Earl: I stole it from work and I’m gonna keep stealing till I get $10 000 to pay Pop’s back. Those corporate executives are criminal Randy. Like we used to be, only they’re worse cos they don’t admit it. It hypocronical. I mean hypo-conjugal. Hypothetical?

Catalina; but Earl I thought you stopped stealing. What about your list.

Earl: this is special circumstance Catalina. I’m stealing for a good reason. Just like ahh Robin Hood.

Randy: yeah I like him. The guy with the green pantyhose right? I like his little hummingbird girlfriend Tinkerbell. She gets so jealous.

Catalina: you’re never gonna make $10 000 selling rubberbands unless you have some syringes and arm candy to go with em.

Earl: (v.o) Catalina was right. It was clear that I was gonna have to steal more stuff. But to do that I needed help. I needed to get the gang back together for one last heist.

Earl: Guys I’m gonna need a favour.

(Joy’s Trailer – Joy is cleaning dishes when Earl stands in the doorway taps his nose and nods. She takes off her apron and throws it on Darnell who gets up and follows.)

Earl: (v.o) with Randy and Catalina on board I needed to convince the rest of the gang. Joy and Darnell were easy, just because Joy hates her life and Darnell’s up for anything. (Ralph has got his hand up a vending machine trying to get a packet of chips) And Ralph well say what you want about Ralph but he’s a professional. There’s nothing he won’t do for $200.

CUT TO – Office – Joy is painting her toenails. Kenny is typing. Darnell is playing gameboy. Kenny is typing.Randy is playing with the keyboard. Kenny is typing.

Earl: (v.o) now that the gang was back together first step of the plan was to get everyone hired. That’s where Kenny came in again.

Randy: (head on the keyboard) look Kenny I’m sleeping and the tv screen is doing z’s like I’m sleeping.

(Catalina is putting on lipstick. Kenny is typing. Ralph is pulling the keys off the keyboard and throwing them at Kenny who’s typing.)

Earl: (v.o) at the end of the day everyone got hired.

Ralph: (handing over a paper) that took me about 5.3 seconds.

Lady: very impressive sir. Welcome aboard.

Ralph: Whooo!

(Kenny hands over his paper)

Earl: (v.o) Everyone except for Kenny.

Lady: this appears to have a list of all the swear words you know.

Kenny: I have a lot of anger.

CUT TO: The gang walking in a line - Joy is fixing her skirt, Darnell is fixing his hair. Earl straighten Ralphs tie. Catalina is pushing her hair out of her face and Randy he drops his beers.

Earl: (v.O) the next day the gang was geared up and back in the scamming business. And although we were doing something bad I knew it was for good. Like Robin Hood and his gang. But with us, only the woman wore stockings. Randy even bought 4 beers cos it makes him a better liar. And now that everyone was in place the plan was to try and not get fired before 5 o’clock. (Joy is talking to other employees, Ralph is throwing things at Joy. Darnell is delivering mail. Randy is pointing to a pie chart, in an office. Earl signal Randy – touching his nose.) Then at closing time we’d hide and wait for everyone to elave. That way we would have the place to ourselves and we’d be free to steal as many things as we could carry without getting detected. (Earl watches as people leave and hides under his desk.)

Earl: (makes a dove sound, everyone stands up from where they were hiding) Good job everybody now lets take what we can and do it fast we haven’t got much time.

(Ralph runs up behind Earl)

Ralph: Earl forget about stealing all that chitzy crap buddy I just found the mother load.

CUT TO: Ralph showing Earl a very big photocopier.

Earl: that’s what you want us to steal. A copy machine?

Ralph: yeah buddy.

Earl: it must weigh a tonne Ralph.

Joy: no way. I’m not gonna bust my ass to steal this big ass copy machine.

Ralph: no look its gonna be worth it. I got a guy in … town he’s gonna rig it for counterfeit money said he’s gonna pay us 10 grand in $20 bills for it.

Earl: I don’t know Ralph. I-i - lets just stick to our plan.

Randy: yeah I found a box of pencils, they look like pens but they’re pencils. See (holds one up) looks like a pen it’s a pencil.

Ralph: you all think its small ? here. its got wheels its just 1-2-3 puppy dog.

Earl: Ralph lets just try –

Ralph: you know what there ain’t no time to think about this buddy. This is what I do for a living alright. I got this whole thing worked out on a level you wouldn’t even begin to understand baby. This whole thing’s a chess game and this here machine is the pope. Now come on lets push it.

(Everyone starts to push it towards the door)

Earl: over to the right

Joy: to the right. (it gets stuck in the doorway.) See I knew this wasn’t gonna work.

Ralph: Lets just push it up on its end and shove it through.

Joy: are you nuts?

Earl: we’re wasting time lets just do it.

Ralph: alright come on lets get it up.

(they all push it up, and it blocks the doorway.)

Earl: (muffled) I think its stuck. The things jammed in the doorway Ralph.

Joy: (muffled) I’m gonna kick your bony ass.

CUT TO: The office, the copy machine is still blocking the doorway and 2 security guards are pushing it out of the road. The boss walks in.

Earl: After a long night of struggling to unsuccessfully free ourselves we were finally rescued the next morning.

Boss: what the hell is going on?

Earl: Fred. You’re never gonna believe this but when I got her this morning that copier was already wedged in the doorway. So I called these people to help me with it.

Boss: How did you get in the room in the first place if the door was already blocked off?

Joy: well actually that happened while we were sleeping.

Darnell: yeah asleep. And that bottle of pee pee was already there too.

(Ralph makes a run for it.)

Earl: Ralph was never really good under pressure but he did know when to make an exit.

(While the security guards chase Ralph, the rest run out too. They all are being chased around the office. Except for Randy who is still asleep on the floor, who wakes up and walks out)

CUT TO: Crab Shack – Catalina, Randy, Earl and Joy are drinking beers talking.

Earl: (v.o) after making our not so clean getaway we headed to the Crab Shack to calm our nerves and blow off some steam.

Catalina: Ralph is not a good criminal. Julio Enrique Gonzalez Theomogla Mombosa also known as Lupunio Deambgla now that was a good criminal. He once stole all the hats from my village and forced us to buy them back at ridiculous prices.  (I’m don’t think the spelling of those names are right I just wrote them how they sounded.)

Randy: we should have just stuck with the original plan. I mean look at how many pencil pens I got. (Takes them out of his pockets and puts them on the table.)

Ralph: (walks in carrying a cooler) Hey guys

Earl: hey Ralph. I want to apologise for running out like that I screwed up the plan, it was very unprofessional.

Earl: well we all ran eventually Ralph.

Ralph: but I was paid to do the job. And so here’s the thing. I figured out a way to get Pop’s cart back. Alright here’s the plan. What if I cut off my pinkie toe, put it in that there cooler stick it in a Winky Dinky dog and sue em for $10 000.

Earl: Ralph I appreciate your offer. But you’re not cutting off your pinkie toe. We can find another way to do it.

Ralph: yeah. Well …. Here’s the thing Earl

Earl: your pinkie toe is already in there isn’t it?

Ralph: yeah. Its in there.

(Randy rushes to open the cooler)

Randy: look Earl it looks like a little peanut with a toe nail.

(Joy is disgusted)

CUT TO: Winky Dinky Dogs. Darnell, Earl Jr and Dodge sitting at a table. Joy walks up and hands Darnell a hotdog.

Earl: (v.o) Later that day, after Ralph’s professionalism, Plan B was in full swing. (Darnell takes a bite of his hotdog, and finds Ralph’s toe in his hotdog. Darnell screams and spits out the hot dog. The boys start screaming too.) Turns out Joy didn’t let Darnell and the kids in on the plan in the feat that their reactions wouldn’t look authentic. (Joy starts fake screaming) Lucky for us a pinkie toe in a hotdog is $10 000. (Mr Covington gives Joy a check) Which was the same amount Pop’s needed for a brand new cart. And to Joy’s credit she never thought to keep the money for herself. She was just happy the gang was back together. And that Pop’s was back in business. It made me feel good to cross this one off my list, but it was especially nice to give the old gang a place to hang out again.

CUT TO: Pop’s Hot Dog Cart - Earl watches as everyone is hanging out at Pop’s, he takes out his list and Pop’s hands him a pen.

Ralph: Yeah just like prison. (chuckles and eats his hotdog)

Earl: You’re it Stinky lips.

(Ralph spits out the hotdog, the kids squeal. Everyone is laughing having fun)
 

THE END