Épisode L'état de moi S01E17 - My Name Is Earl Saison 1

OPENING SCENE – Motel Room – Earl and Randy are lying on the bed watching TV (The world of Sid and Marty Krofft – Sigmund and the Sea Monsters), while Catalina is vacuuming.

Earl: (v.o) the nice thing about the list being my only job was that I am able to set my own work schedule. Unfortunately I don’t get to set Catalina’s. (Catalina stands in front of TV vacuuming. Randy and Earl are leaning side to side to see the TV screen)

Earl: Catalina, how much longer are you gonna be with that vacuum. You’re making the TV scratchy.

Catalina: (turns off vacuum) Maybe I’d be done faster if there weren’t clothes everywhere.

Randy: I told you I’d help pick up after I watch the show. I just want to make sure Sigmund gets away from the big purple puppet with - . (to the tv) go go go go go go. 

(Catalina throw a pile of clothes at them, something falls out of one of the pockets. Earl picks it up)

Catalina: what’s that?

Earl: it’s a paycheck from Rockman construction made out to Randy.

Randy: Randy who? Randy me? Those are my pants. Is it Randy me? I think its Randy me. Is it Randy me?

Earl>: yeah its Randy you. (hands him the check)

FLASHBACK – Earl and Randy are inside a building. Earl is vacuuming the ceiling as Randy scrapes off. They are just wearing normal clothes and no masks.

Earl>: (v.o) sometimes when Randy and I were low on funds we worked a few days doing odd jobs.

Randy: I don’t know why people complain about this asbestos stuff. (sniffs the air) it doesn’t smell so bad.

(The boss walks in wearing protective clothing and a mask.)

Boss: Good grief. Guys, here’s your checks and your 10-99 form.

Earl: our what form?

Boss: so you can pay your taxes.

(Earl screws up the piece of paper and feeds it to the vacuum and continues on working.)

END FLASHBACK – CUT TO  Motel room – Randy looking at his paycheck.

Randy: how long do this go for. There is no expiration date on it.

Earl: I think I have to add cheated the government to my list. I need to pay the government the taxes I owe them. (gets off bed)

Randy: what for? Government doesn’t do anything for us and besides haven’t you given them enough money in your life.

Earl: (v.o) it was true. Over the years I’d given the government a ton of do.

FLASHBACK - ‘Pay fines here’ counter. Earl is standing at the counter for different offences..

(1st time)

Earl:  Speeding in a school zone.

Guy: $75

(2nd time)

Earl: Public urination.

Guy: $60

Earl: in a school zone

Guy: $85.

(3rd time)

Earl: knocking over all the orange cones down on the freeway with my car door.

Guy: $33

(4th time)

Earl: Dropped melons off the water tower.

Guy: Cantaloupes or honeydews.

Earl: it was a mix

Guy: $44.

END FLASHBACKS – CUT TO Motel room. Earl adding “didn’t pay taxes’ to list.

Randy: the governments got plenty of money. They don’t need your taxes.

Earl: its on my list Randy.

Randy: but you just put it on there if you rub it real quick it’ll smudge right off. But you have to do it now before the ink sets. Do it now Earl, do it now… ahh the ink is set.

Earl: sorry I got to pay taxes.

Randy: so does that mean if I cash this check I have to pay taxes too.

Earl: I’m not gonna tell you what to do with your money Randy. You’re a grown man. I think you know the right thing to do.

Randy: I think I do.

CUT TO – Randy driving a Moped down the road, next the Earl who’s driving his car.

Randy: I feel so alive.

Earl: (v.o) I was a little disappointed that Randy decided not to pay his taxes but I was happy he bought his first motorized transportation. Even if it did have pedals.

Randy: Check it out Earl. I got it up to 23 miles per h- (he swallows a bug, coughing)

Earl: swallowed another bug.

(Randy has a disgusted look on his face)

CUT TO – Government office - Earl approaching counter, where a woman  is opening her window at the counter.

Earl: (v.o) Since paying my taxes was the right thing to do, I headed down to the government offices to give them the money I owe. So I can cross them off my list.

Earl: Hello.

Woman: what can I do for you.

Earl; well a couple of years ago I made some money that I didn’t pay taxes on. (holds up cheque) I think this should cover it.

Woman: did we send you a form that this money was required.

Earl: no.

Woman: Then we do not expect it, so we cannot accept it. (hands back cheque) Next.

Earl: But

Woman: Next

Earl: i—i

Woman: Next

Earl: Are you gonna say that every time I -

Woman: Next

(Earl defeated walks away from counter.)

Earl: (v.o) it’s bad enough figuring out how to pay your taxes when the government wants your money but how you supposed to pay them when they don’t. (Earl notices a suggestion box on the table.) Lucky for me I had a suggestion for the government and they had a box for me to put it in. (Earl picks up an envelope, puts the cheque inside and writes his suggestion ‘ I suggest you take my money, Earl Hickey’. Puts it in the box)

CUT TO – Crab Shack – Earl is sitting at a table drinking beer. Randy is sitting beside him on his Moped. Joy and Darnell walk up to the table.

Earl: (v.o) I thought me and the government were even, but a few days later I found out I was wrong.

Darnell: Hey Earl

Earl: Hey Crabman.

Joy: Hi, The government sent you a letter to the trailer. (Joy hands him the envelope)

Darnell: (to Randy) that’s a cool moped Randy. Its like a motorcycle had sex with a bicycle.

(Randy looks at it so proudly, and Darnell starts playing with the brakes etc)

Randy: Thanks. You should get one too then we could start our own moped gang. We’ll call it salt and pepper. You know, cos we both like salt and pepper on our fries.

Darnell: cool.

Earl: oh man.

Randy: what’s the matter.

Earl: the government sent me my cheque back. This letter says they don’t have a record of me owing $500.

Joy: look Earl, if the governments trying to give you money you don’t want give it over here cos I mean they owe me anyway.

Earl; for what?

Joy: Slave operations. Government promised 40 acres and a mule. Between Darnell and Earl Jr we do like 60 acres and a couple mules. At least a jet ski or something.

Darnell: Actually my family immigrated from Canada.

Joy: Canada?

Darnell: uh huh.

Joy: ok look when the government comes round with the mules please let me do the talking. (Joy and Darnell walk away)

Earl: (v.o) while Darnell and Joy figured out what they were gonna do about their 60 acres and a jet ski. I tried to figure out how to get the government off my list.

CUT  TO – Earl driving alongside Randy on his moped.

Randy: (yelling) I don’t know Earl. You trying to do the right thing not enough

Earl: no its not Randy. I should’ve done the right thing in the first place. Now I need to figure out how to make it right.

Randy; I don’t know how you’re gonna do th- 

(Randy rides into something and is no longer besides Earl in the car. Earl looks in his mirror to see Randy on the road, falling off is bike.)

CUT TO – Earl running up to Randy who is a little out of it.

Earl: you alright?

Randy: yeah. Stupid pothole threw me. (to pothole) why don’t you watch where you are going?

Earl: Rnady why don’t you sit down for aminute.

Randy: I am sitting down… (realizing) oh. (sits down and looks at Earl) when did you grow a moustache?

Earl: (vo) Hiitting that pothole may have knocked some sense out of Randy but it gave me a pretty good idea.

CUT TO – Earl filling the pothole, while Randy inspects his helmet. A police officer approaches.

Earl: why hey officer.

Officer: drop the weapon.

Earl: its just a shovel.

Officer: (pulls out his gun) what have you done? You bury a body in there.

Earl: body? It’s a five inch hole.

Officer: is it a baby body? Oh crap oh crap oh crap. Baby killer.

Earl: no no no no no, just take a breath. Everythings cool I just filled in a pothole. Trying to pay the government some money I owe them.

Officer: oh thank god. Whoo. I thought I was gonna have to dig up a baby...So listen up. You’re gonna have to dig up that pothole.

Earl: dig it up?

Officer: that’s right. Potholes can only be filled by authorized government workers .

Earl: (v.o) I started to get a little frustrated. Between the right forms and the right workers the government doesn’t make it easy for you to pay em back. Then I got an idea. While I might not be an authorized government worker I did know a group of people who were.

CUT TO – Earl driving up to a group of criminals doing community service. Randy is sitting on his moped, which is tied on the back of the car.

Earl: you might want to go back to the motel, this gonna take a while.

Randy: what are you gonna do Earl?

Earl: pay my taxes. (Earl approaches the guard) Excuse me

Earl: (v.o) I told the guard that I had a debt to society that I needed to repay. Since he had shot one of the prisoners who tried to escape earlier that morning, he was short handed and happy for the help.  (Earl picks up a shovel)

Hank Lange: Earl Hickey? What are you doing here?

Earl: (shaking his hand) what’s up Hank? I’m just volunteering for the afternoon. I’m trying to pay back the government.

Hank: I was trying to give a little payback to the government. I kidnapped the mailman forced him to eat a Pennysaver.

Earl: yeah I read about that in the next week Pennysaver.

Hank: you might want to slow it down. It looks like you’re in really good shape, someone’s gonna want to buy you from me.

Earl: can’t slow down Hank, I’m only here for the day.

Hank: oh yeah that’s right. Too bad, tomorrow’s the talent show. Write supremacists are doing a song from Grease.

Singing inmates: (singing) No graduation day for you. Beauty school dropout.

(Time passes, Earl is still shoveling and he has taken off his shirt and now looks like an inmate, wearing jeans and a white tshirt.)

Guard: Hey lets pack it up. Single file on the bus. (approaches Earl who is still shoveling) On the bus.

Earl: (looks down) oh no no I’m not one of them.

Guard: sure you’re not.

Earl: wait where’d that other guard go? (Guard grabs him and pulls him towards the bus) hey I’m not one of them. (on the bus) look I’m really not supposed to be  here. Ask Hank. Tell him I’m just volunteering.

Hank: no man. He’s not supposed to be here. I’m not either. (Whispers to Earl) he’s our chance we can both get out. (to guard) we’re both volunteering. We’re both volunteering. (the rest of the inmates join in.)

Guard: (loads his gun) anybody want to volunteer to get shot. (its quiet) that’s more like it.

(Earl gets pushed to the back of the bus)

CUT TO – Prison – the inmates are going into their cells.

Earl: (v.o) the problem with being mistakenly incarcerated is that when its time to go to your cell – you don’t have one.

Guard: lets go.

Earl: I don’t have anywhere to go. I keep telling you, I’m not supposed to be here.

Guard: well maybe you’re supposed to be in solitary then. Is that what you saying?

Earl: no no no that’s not what I’m saying.

CUT TO – Earl being put into solitary.

Earl: you don’t understand this is one big mistake.

(A guard delivers food to Earl’s cell)

Earl: hey I’m not supposed to be here my name is -  (the slot gets closed)

(Another meal is delivered)

Earl: Hey I’m Earl Hickey. I was just trying to payback– (the slot closes)

(Another meal is delivered)

Earl: if you would just call my brother he-he (slot closes) can explain

(Another meal)

Earl: can I get wheat toast. White give me a little bit of  a (slot closes)

(Another meal)

Earl: grape jelly

(Another meal)

Earl: can you empty my bucket.

(The door opens Earl is lying on the floor asleep)

Earl: I’m not hungry.

Guard: turns out Mr wheat toast grape jelly is a free man. Next time speak up, let somebody know you’re not supposed to be here.

(Earl walks out of cell, another guard is dragging in another inmate)

Inmate: I’m not supposed to be here.

CUT TO – Crab Shack – Earl, Randy and Joy are sitting at the bar.

Earl: I just want to give them back their stupid money. I can’t believe this.

Joy: I don’t know why you’re having so much trouble. They are all the time taking money from me . just last week I paid $20 for just speeding in a school zone.

Randy: hey you paid 75 for that Earl. How come you only paid 20?

Joy: cos I brushed my license against his knobby when I handed it to him.

(Darnell behind the bar looks at her)

Earl: that’s it. That’s how I can pay back the money.

Randy: you’re gonna brush something against the governments knobby.

Earl: no I’ll just go out and do something bad and the government will fine me for it.

Randy: hey I know how. Paint a big fake train tunnel on a rock outside the town. You’d get fined for that. Plus maybe coyotes will run into it.

Darnell: or a roadrunner.

Randy: cos that would be funny

Darnell: Beep beep

Randy: yeah beep beep

Darnell: beep beep

Randy: beep beep

CUT TO – Earl and Randy getting ropes out of the back of Earl’s car.

Earl: I haven’t done this before. I knew two of us trespassing together on this abandoned water tower would cost us $500 in fines. (Earl and Randy climbing the water tower) Made perfect sense. My whole life the government only paid attention to me when they thought I was being bad so I had no choice I was gonna be bad. We knew from experience that it was windy at the top. So we came prepared. (Earl is tying the ropes to the top of the tower.)

Randy: now what?

Earl: we just wait to get caught.

(Time passes – earl and Randy are sitting on top waiting)

Randy: it’s been like hours.

Earl: (yelling) Hello! We’re trespassing up here. Hello! (to Randy) its never taken this long to get busted before.

Randy: I’m bored. You want to wrestle?

Earl: seems kind of dangerous all the way up here.

Randy: we have our ropes.

(Earl considers and they both get up and start wrestling. They stop and Randy picks up the American flag which is mounted on top of the tower.)

Randy: Hey Earl who am I? (He stomps around the tower like a astronaut holding the flag and mounts it back in the tower)

Earl: the first guy to land on the moon.

Randy: nah the astronaut guy in all the MTV commercials. (points to the sky) hey the helicopter is coming back

Earl: (picks up flag and waves it, yelling) Hey. Hey. Over here. Over here. Over here. Hey!

(Earl and Randy are jumping on the roof - the water tower’s roof collapses and Earl and Randy fall in to the tower. The ropes tied around their waist stop them from hitting the bottom of the tower. Randy is screaming.)

Earl: Randy. Randy. Open your eyes.

Randy: there’s no water in the water tower. Why don’t they just call it a tower?

Earl: I can’t believe we fell through the roof. They should put a sign out front warning people.

Randy: what are we gonna do?

Earl: don’t worry. Someone will notice our car and come looking for us.

CUT TO – The car being towed away.

CUT TO –

Earl: okay Randy. I’m gonna climb up my rope all the way to the top. Once I’m secure up there I’m gonna tie my rope off use the leverage to pull you up by your rope.

Randy: ok.

Earl: alright (starts to climb rope, however doesn’t have very good upper body strength.)

Randy: too bad Coach Gebhardt isn’t here to call you a girl and throw basketballs at your face. That’d get you up there….. Hey I’ve got two candy bars in my pocket. (throws one to Earl)

Earl: Randy

Randy: why did you drop it? (opens his candy bar)

Earl: because you didn’t tell me you were gonna throw it. Give me half of that one.

Randy: no

Earl: give it to me

Randy: no (puts it in his mouth)

(they start fighting hanging from the ropes)

Earl: get over here. Randy spit it out. Randy. (Holds Randy’s nose so he can’t breathe) spit it out.  (Randy spits it out, it lands on the floor) Mine’s the one in the wrapper Randy. (Earl hangs upside down to try and reach it.) Damnit Randy!That was our only food.

Randy: what are we gonna do Earl?

Earl: just hang here until someone finds us.

(The day passes – its now night time – Randy and Earl are sleeping – still hanging from the ropes)

CUT TO – Morning – Earl and Randy wake up. No one speaks to each other – until Randy starts singing the theme song from ‘The Greatest American Hero’.

Randy: Look at what’s happened to me. I can’t believe it myself.

Earl: (joining in) Suddenly I’m up on top of the world. It should’ve been somebody else.

Both: Believe it or not I’m walking on air I never thought I’d could feel so free. Flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not it’s just meeeeee.

CUT TO – Night again. They are sleeping

CUT TO – the next day.

Randy: I spy with my little eye something that is

Earl: is it the candy bar again?

Randy: yeah.

CUT TO – Night

Randy: we’re not gonna die are we Earl?

Earl: no……. maybe……probably.

CUT TO – Morning

Earl: I can’t believe this.

Randy: I’m sorry. It’s my fault. For jumping on the roof. Its cos I don’t bend my knees when I land. That’s what the dance teacher that came to football practice told me.

Earl: I’m not mad at you Randy. I’m mad at the government. Had they just taken my money in the first place we’d never be down here. (it echoes)

Randy: (yells) Re-co-li.

Earl: stupid government. They think I’m bad. They’re the ones who are bad Randy. The tax woman who wouldn’t take my money. The cop who wouldn’t let me fix the pothole. The guard who threw me in solitary. I never want to pay them back. Screw the government. They never did anything for us.

Voice: Hello you guys alright down there?

(Earl and Randy look up to see 4 men looking through the hole in the roof at them)

Earl: (v.o) it turned out the government had been busy doing something for us. We just didn’t know it. Willie the mailman brought Joy a letter saying our car was towed to the impound yard. (Willie is holding out the mail to Joy, she goes to take it and he holds it in a different direction, he is partially blind, Joy annoyed snatches it out of his hand), Then when Joy came to the motel to yell at me for not changing my address yet, Catalina saw that our car had been impounded. (Joy is at Motel, handing the letter to Catalina, she reads the mail and starts telling Joy) She got worried because she hadn’t seen us for days. So she reported it to a police man. (Catalina stops a policeman walking past arresting prostitutes from another room explaining to him the story)  He went and filed a missing persons report then went down the impound yard to investigate. When the police found where our car had been towed from, they got suspicious and called a city worker to come unlock the gate. (Police officer and the prostitutes, and a city worker opens the gate)  And when the city worker saw that me and Randy ropes were tied to the top of the tower they called the fire department for help. (fire department arrives) And that’s when I realized that maybe the government doesn’t always see people as bad or good. Sometimes it just sees people that need help. (They pull Randy up first) And even if you don’t see the government working for you everyday it’s out there working for somebody. And today that somebody was me and Randy. (Pulling Earl up, he’s holding the flag – unsure how he got it off the floor of the tower)

CUT TO – Earl at Fines counter.

Earl: Trespassing on a water tower. Damage to water tower. Urinated in water tower. And there were two of us.

Guy: $500

Earl: done. (writes a cheque hands it over) Well thank you very much.  (crosses it off his list)

Earl: (v.o) That was $500 I was happy to pay.  (Earl walking out of fines office) When I found out it cost the government $4000 to rescue me. I offered to write them another cheque on the spot. But they wouldn’t take it. (Earl hops on the back of Randy’s moped)  Turns out being saved by the government is free to taxpayers. Taxpayers like me.

CLOSING CREDITS – Earl and Randy are in bed.

Randy: Hey Earl.

Earl: Yeah Randy.

Randy: I’m gonna try and enter you’re dream tonight.

Earl: Huh?

Randy: I’m gonna concentrate really hard when I’m falling asleep and try and enter your dream.

Earl: why?

Randy: I don’t know. Just to see what you’re doing

Earl: how do you know I want you in my dream Randy. I mean I could be with a lady or something.

Randy: I just want to stop by. Can’t you concentrate on not being with a lady just for the night.

Earl: I guess. I’ll concentrate about being on a space station or something.

Randy: thanks. Alright good night Earl, I’ll see you in a little while.

(Randy closes his eyes. Both of them are asleep. Randy wakes up in the morning

Randy: Damnit. I was a tugboat again. (goes back to sleep)