Épisode Karma vengeur S01E12 - My Name Is Earl Saison 1

Earl: You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks. Well, that was me, Every time something good happened to me, something bad was waiting right round the corner. Karma, that's when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and one by one I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes, I'm just trying to be a better person. My Name is Earl.

OPENING SCENE - The motel room, Randy and Earl are asleep, Catalina knocks on window and enters the room.

Earl: (v.o) One thing about cold nights at the motel, Randy and I usually slept like babies. But that wasn't just because of the temperature.

Catalina: Gas leak, get up, we're all being poisoned.

Randy: five more minutes.

Catalina: five minutes you'll be dead. (waving around a pillow)

Randy: one more minutes.

Catalina: hmph. (walks out of room)

(Earl and Randy get up out of bed at the same time, Earl gets up and gets jackets out of a box.)

Earl: Man its freezing in here. (passes Randy a coat) put on your coat before you get a runny nose and ruin your long sleeves again.

Earl: (v.o) One good thing about the cold is finding things in your coat pockets that you put there a year ago.

(Randy puts his hand in his pocket, pulls out a goldfish in a bag)

Randy: hey look its Mr Fishy. That's where he was. (taps on bag) you were right Earl, not ready for a pet.

Earl: (pulls a wallet out of his pocket) Hey I remember this.

Earl: (v.o) number 202. Stole a wallet from a guy in a gas station.

FLASHBACK - Gas station bathroom, Earl is sitting on the toilet reading a paper.

Earl: (v.o) a few years ago, I was hanging out in a gas station bathroom waiting for some guy to drop his pants and provide me with an opportunity.

(The door slams and a guy in the cubicle next to his pulls down his pants. Earl gets on the floor, and takes the guys wallet out of his pants, Earl opens the wallet to see a lot of money)

Earl: WHOO HOO!!! (the guy jumps) they have my favourite brand of toilet paper in here, soft stuff.

OPENING CREDITS

FLASHBACK CONTINUES - ‘Jaspers' - a guy is sitting at a table, pulling off the security tags, which he's selling for $2. Earl is looking at a guitar, Randy is putting on a helmet and Joy is looking at a slushy (aka frozen drink) machine.

Earl: (v.o) I had stolen a lot of wallets in my day but that one was the mother load. So that afternoon we took the money to Jaspers for a little shopping spree. Jaspers is kinda like the mall, only it's a storage unit, everything there is stolen from the mall. And with a thousand dollars to spend we were living like kings.

(Joy's Trailer - Joy is mixing the margaritas in her slushy machine)

Joy: Hey, we're out of lime mix so this margaritas are gonna have to be cola flavoured or cherry.

(Earl is playing the guitar on the couch, and randy is wearing a helmet and hitting himself with a bowling pin.)

END FLASHBACK - CUT TO Motel room, Earl is looking under the bed.

Randy: (wearing the helmet) Why can't you just give him back his wallet with a thousand dollars of your lottery money. I like my helmet. Reminds me of

Earl: (pulls out guitar) this stuff was bought with stolen money, it's got bad karma all over it. It has to go back.

Earl: (v.o) Unfortunately when I tracked down the slushy machine, I found someone had moved in.

CUT TO - Joy's trailer, Randy and Earl are standing with Darnell looking at the slushy machine, which is now the home of a turtle. Joy is sitting on the couch.

Darnell: Yeah, I got it set up like a turtle house with a turtle and whatnot.

Randy: does he use that exercise wheel?

Darnell: not as much as I hoped he would.

Randy: does he do any tricks?

Darnell: if yawn a lot, sometimes he copies you.

(Randy does a yawn, nothing happens, he does another one and Darnell yawns)

Earl: I'd hate to take his home away but I really have to.

Darnell: it's okay Earl, Pinky needs more space anyway. (Darnell puts him on the floor) Here I'll just let him go free range on the carpet.

Joy: if that thing starts banging at the table, it's gonna become an outside turtle.

(Randy is laying on the ground staring at the turtle)

Randy: Have you ever tried to stick your finger in to see what's under the shell.

Darnell: Yeah, he don't like it.

CUT TO: Jaspers - Earl and Randy are standing in front of Jasper holding the guitar, the helmet.

Jasper: this stuff isn't stolen is it?

Earl: of course it is. We bought it here.

Jasper: oh

Randy: when you get a computer

Jasper: since a month ago. We take orders online now. I steal a wi-fi signal from the building across the street. You been online?

Earl: no.

Jasper: it's wild. Wild. That's where I got my Russian bride. (smiles, opens a curtain, she is sitting on a chair, watching a handheld tv)

Russian bride: shut ze sheet.Light is putting glare on montear (monitor)

Randy: cool. Hey say moose and squirell.

Russian bride: moose and squarell.

Randy: yep that's how I thought she'd say it.

Jasper: not bad huh. You get free shipping if they're over thirty.

Russian bride: he write an email, he even gave it - my crate and boat was bigger than this. Where do you live big boy. You have shower. Vant wife?

Randy: (looks freaked) Earl

Jasper: look baby, that's enough. (to Earl and Randy) she likes to flirt with people. At the end of the day she's all mine. (goes to kiss her)

Russian bride: no kiss on lips. (closes curtain)

(Earl and Randy looks uncomfortable)

Earl: (v.o) now that we had the money. It was time to cross that stolen wallet off the list.

CUT TO: Jeff's House - Earl and Randy are returning the wallet.

Jeff: My wallet. That's amazing. Where'd you find it.

Earl: well ah I found it at a gas station. In a bathroom. In a pair of pants. Around your ankles.

Jeff: You stole it.

(a woman, Jeff's wife Jesse, gets out of the tanning bed)

Jesse: You're a crook.

Randy: (scared) what is that Earl? What is that?

Jesse: Jeff call the cops.

Earl: no no no no don't please. Don't call the cops. I-i-I'm trying to make this up to you I-i-i-i'm no longer a crook. I've turned my life around.

Randy: oh it's cool Earl. They're not calling. (Holding up the telephone receiver,) I cut the cord.

Earl: Randy!

Jesse: We're gonna die.

Earl: no no no no no I'm sorr - look you're not gonna die. I'm sorry. I'll make up for that too (pointing to the phone) please listen to me. (to Randy) Randy, fix the phone cord.

Randy: but Earl they were gonna call the cops and then we -

Earl: (through his teeth) fix the phone cord.

Earl: (v.o) it took a while, but eventually I calmed them down and explain to them how my life is now guided by karma and how I wanted to do good things.

Randy: phone works again.

Jesse: We appreciate how you're changing your life. But you stole the money from our wedding man. That was our honeymoon money.

Jeff: Yeah you stole our honeymoon.

(Randy pulls the phone out of the wall)

Earl: Rand - what did you do that for?

Randy: I thought they were getting mad again.

Earl: just fix it. (to Jeff) you were saying.

Jeff: We were filling up and heading to the beach for our honeymoon, but after you took all our money we had to come home.

Earl: look I'm sorry. I-I really am but I replaced the money so why don't you have a do over honeymoon.

Jesse: Can we Jeff. I really want my honeymoon in the sun. you promised.

Jeff: look even if my boss would give me a week off, which I doubt. I can't afford to miss a weeks pay.

Earl: what if I cover for you. I can work for you and at the end of the week you keep the paycheck. You think you're boss will go for that.

Jeff: I guess we could ask him.

Earl: (v.o) with Jeff on board all I had to do was convince his boss to let me fill in for him at work.

CUT TO: Stars a burger place - Mr Patrick's office

Mr Patrick: Speak English

Earl: yep. I'm a quick learner

Mr Patrick: Got all your fingers? (Earl holds up his hands) do they bend? I've been fooled before (Earl clenches a fist) alright you're hired.

CUT TO: Stars - Earl is talking to a girl at the French fry cooker.

Xena: Mr Patrick is real particular about his fries. Real parti - (her retainer falls out and into the oil with the fries.) oh god my retainer fell in..

Earl: (disgusted) I'll get it.

Xena: no if he sees you take it out, he'll know I dropped it in again. Just leave it.

Mr Patrick: Hey Marbro man, why don't you trod on over here. Are you and e coli buddies?

Earl: is that the little Asian fella in the back who does the dishes?

Mr Patrick: no E coli. Icky. Parasites. You left a little party zone for them in the groove.

Earl: but I but I wiped there.

Mr Patrick: oh really well lets see if you missed a spot. (picks up a fry and wipes it along the bench) you did a good job, a really good job. i would say its clean enough to eat off. (holds up fry with black stuff on it) won't you take a bite?

Earl: what?

Mr Patrick: Hey everybody, watch Earl eat a French fry off his well wiped counter groove.

Earl: (v.o) what Mr Patrick didn't realise, taking orders from a boss, wasn't really my strong suit.

FLASHBACK - Earl as a garderner, punches his boss. Earl a paper boy, punches his boss. Earl as a janitor, punches his boss. Earl as a carpenter, punches his boss. END FLASHBACK.

Mr Patrick: so what's it gonna be.

Earl: (v.o) there were about a dozen things I wanted to do with that French fry, but that would have cost Jeff his job and karma wouldn't like that one bit.

(Earl eats the French fry)

Mr Patrick: that a boy. It'll catch on.

Employee: That's ok. I had to eat a hamburger patty he wiped on a toilet seat.

(Earl looks disgusted)

CUT TO: Earl serving a customer as Randy watches.

Randy: you can feel good about your decision to eat here, my brother didn't spit in it. He's into karma and whatnot.

Mr Patrick: Hey Hickey. What was this doing in the trash? (holds up a empty tup of mayonnaise)

Earl: it was empty. You said recycling was for morons.

Mr Patrick: Check under the rim. They were six burgers worth of mayo you could swab out of there. Use your head. (with a spatula smacks mayo on Earl forehead.) now scoop that out and then work drive through.

(Randy is staring in shock)

Earl: will do

Randy: what a jerk. You should have report that guy to the manager.

Earl: he is the manager.

Randy: oh. Then he already knows.

Earl: look its no big deal. I don't let guys like that bug me any more Randy. Karma's given me a whole new outlook on life. (uses a bun to wipe off the mayo, Randy is staring) I've learned its not my job to punish people who are mean to me, it's karma's. People like that always get what they deserve. (hands Randy the bun)

Earl: (v.o) I didn't need to worry about Mr Patrick, I just need to worry about keeping this job no matter how bad it got..

CUT TO: Earl on the drive through window. Joy and Darnell pull up.

Joy: ohh oh my god Earl Hickey working as a burger dummy. (taps Darnell) Look. (to Earl)I think we can go ahead and park and come on in.

CUT TO: Inside Joy and Darnell walk up to counter.

Joy: well look at you all dressed up in that cute uniform. They even had your size, extra dorky.

Earl: welcome to stars. May I take your order, and your clothes look stupid too. Hey Crabman. Hey Crabmans turtle.

Darnell: hey Earl. That's from both of us.

Joy: we'll take 2 number 1 combos please.

Darnell: Can you throw in a piece of lettuce for Mr Turtle. He likes it arugla if you got it.

(Places the food on the counter.)

Earl: that's six forty four.

Joy: (places something in his hand) thank you very much sir. Have a nice day.

Earl: Joy you gave me a wadded up Kleenex.

Joy: (looks around) come on, don't go all goody two shoes on me. Hook me up.

Earl: that's stealing Joy. I can't do that.

(Joy leans over the counter, grabs hold of Earl and pulls his hair.)

Joy: oh my god is there a manager in the house. I just found a piece of hair in my food.

Earl: Joy stop it.

Mr Patrick: is there a problem over here.

Joy: there is a problem. A hair fell off your employee into my French fries. I'm not paying for these.

Mr Patrick: I am sorry about that ma'am. (to Earl) and you, you're wearing a hairnet.

(Earl puts on the hairnet)

Joy; oh you know what this is a sort one. Actually I think this is a moustache hair. (Earl looks at her)....... Thankyou so much I feel so much better now.

Mr Patrick: I think we all feel better. (to Earl) do you feel better Hickey?

(Earl is wearing a hairnet and a hairnet for his moustache.)

Earl: not really.

Mr Patrick: do you want one for your eyebrows.

Earl: I feel fine sir.

Mr Patrick: good. I want you to go in the back and sponge down the baby changing table, a kid scooted his ass across it like a dog does.. Go on do it.

(Earl embarrassed, Joy is happy)

Earl: (v.o) as hard as it was to stand there and take it I had to keep reminding myself of why I was there and that karma would take care of Mr Patrick.

CUT TO: Earl in the back room, putting a bucket on the shelf, Mr Patrick walks in.

Mr Patrick: nice job Hickey. Won't you take a break.

Earl: thank you sir. I

(Mr Patrick purposely knocks down toilet paper on the floor)

Mr Patrick: now those are damaged and unfit for our customers. Won't you drive those over to my house, you know (winks) seeings you're on break and all.

(Mr Patrick walks away and Earl starts putting the toilet rolls in a bag. Xena walks in)

Xena: you taking all those rolls to Mr Patricks house. Huh, he goes through a lot of toilet paper because he's so full of crap. Yesss!

Earl: listen Xena. Try not to get so worked up over Mr Patrick, he'll get his payback. Cos the thing in this universe, the uncontrollable force, its called

Xena: I love you too Earl. (takes out retainer) you'll be my first.

Earl: no no no no I was talking about karma.

Xena: oh karma.

Earl: it takes care of people who are mean people. Mr Patrick will get everything he deserves

(Xena sighs)

CUT TO - Earl pulling up outside Mr Patricks house. It's a large white house.

Earl: (v.o) but as I drove up to Mr Patricks house I realised he had way more than he deserved. He had a beautiful house, in a beautiful neighbourhood, but that wasn't all.

(Earl is dragging the bag of toilet paper up to the front door, Mr Patricks wife Charmaine opens the door)

Charmaine: Hi, come on in. Pat told me you were coming

Earl: (v.o) he also had a beautiful wife he didn't deserve.

Earl: is there any chance Mr Patrick is your brother?

Charmaine: I hope not. Not with all the stuff I let him do to me. (giggles) anyway wait right here and I'm gonna go get the dry cleaning stuff you can take in.

Earl: (v.o) I couldn't believe Mr Patrick scored a woman like that and a house like this, and as I took a look around the rest of the place it only got worse. There he was sitting in the back of a brand new customised F250 complete with stencilling. (Earl picks up photo of Mr Patrick and a group of people) and how he got so many friends, I have no idea. And I couldn't imagine him doing anything good enough in life to deserve a special mug saying it. (Earl looks at a shelf of World's best mugs, dad, golfer, step dad, lover)(Earl picks up World's best lover)

(Charmaine walks in the room holding the dry cleaning)

Earl: oh sorry I was just uhhh (clears throat) looking at Mr Patricks world's best stuff mugs

Charmaine: oh, well that's ones not his,

Earl: really?

Charmaine: it's mine.

Earl: of course it is. (puts in back on shelf) of course it is.

Charmaine: (hands Earl the clothes) here you go.

CUT TO: Motel Room. Randy is trying to get the TV to work and Earl is in the bathroom.

Earl: I don't get it Randy it doesn't make sense. Karma should be kicking the crap out of a guy like that.

Catalina: maybe he's nice outside of work. He could serve (she's says something I just can't pick it up)

(Randy is putting on Earls hairnet over his face)

Earl: I don't know. Even if you pulled his face off and he's the guy from U2 that does all that charity he still wouldn't deserve a wife that hot.

Catalina: maybe he's being punished in some secret way. I had a horrible uncle with a hot wife and a wonderful house but later we found out, the house and the wife both had mould in the basement.

Earl: basement. Well maybe there's more to Mr Patrick that I don't know.

(Randy has got the hairnet on and the moustache net under his chin)

Randy: Bono. That's the guy from U2 Sonny Bono. Should be on that show where you have to remember names of things. What's it called?

(Earl thinks)

CUT TO: Stars Burger shop - Earl is wearing his hair and moustache nets while following Mr Patrick around.

Earl: (v.o) I decided to keep a much closer eye on Mr Patrick hoping I'd find hidden information that would make sense of his life. Maybe I'd discover he's a better man than I thought. (Earl is looking around the corner as he watches Mr Patrick take money from the till and put in a paper bag.) But he wasn't. (also takes some of the sauces).

(Earl watches him as he goes out to his car, he bangs his car door into the car beside him. Looks around, writes a note and puts it on the window. He drives off and Earl goes to see what he wrote)

Earl: (v.o) as far as I could tell Mr Patrick didn't do anything good. And when he had the chance to do the right thing he didn't (the note reads ‘I hit you. Good luck finding me') this guy definitely didn't deserve all the nice things he had. (Mr Patrick is walks up to an apartment, where a woman opens the door, holding a dog) He even had a nice little thing he was cheating on his wife with. Nope Mr Patrick didn't seem to be suffering one bit. (Mr Patrick and the woman are kissing) it didn't make sense. He wasn't getting punished at all for the bad things he was doing. There was only one place left to look, one place karma could be punishing him.

CUT TO: Earl and Mr Patrick at the urinal.

Earl: (v.o) I didn't want to check there but I had to. (He looks over at Mr Patrick)

Earl: oh come on man! (Mr Patrick looks at him) I'm just having a little trouble working up a stream.

Mr Patrick: try blowing on it.

Earl: Excuse me.

Mr Patrick: (blows on it) there you go.

Earl: (clears his throat) thank you sir.

CUT TO: Star burger shop - kids birthday party, Earl is dressed as a giant hamburger and holding balloons.

Earl: (v.o) I could see that karma wasn't punishing Mr Patrick, what I didn't get is why it wasn't punishing me.

Earl: what do you want a snake, an eel, or a earthworm.

Kid: I want a dinosaur.

Earl: A dinosaur. Here. (hands him a balloon)

Kid: this is not a dinosaur.

Earl: sure it is. It's a ballonnasaurus rex. Now get out of here.

Mr Patrick: Hickey! You take these balloons back from these kids and you start making poodles nad funny hats right now.

Earl: I told you. I don't know how to make balloon animals.

Mr Patrick: you don't know how to make balloon animal. Are you telling me you're too stupid to understand how to bend a balloon.

Earl: (v.o) its amazing how humiliating you can feel dressed as a hamburger being poked by a balloon.

Mr Patrick: now you apologise to these children. Right now! (to kids) See this kids, this is why you stay in school. So you don't end up in a hamburger outfit and too stupid to bend balloons. (To Earl, angrily) Hickey! I told you to apologise. (hitting Earl on the nose with a balloon) What's your problem? I want you to apologise to these kids right now. Are you too stupid to say you're stupid?

Earl: (v.o) no one has ever treated me that bad before and gotton away with it. Especially a boss. But I stuck with karma this long so I knew I had to keep my cool. (Earl releases his clenched fist, then suddenly hits Mr Patrick in the face) Unfortunately knowing something and doing something are two different things. (while Mr Patrick is lying on the floor, Xena runs up and starts kicking him.)

Earl: take it easy Xena. You don't want to swallow that new retainer.

Xena: god your hands on my body feels so right.

Earl: what?

Xena: nothing. (Kicks Mr Patrick again)

CUT TO: Hospital bed - Mr Patrick is lying down with ice on his eye. When his wife and his mistress walk in at the same time.

Earl: (v.o) I felt bad about sending Mr Patrick to the emergency room, but when I found out what I started I felt even worse. Thanks to me the woman he kept so hard to keep separate. Well they were finally brought together. Seems I hurt more than Mr Patrick's eye.

CUT TO: Mr Patrick walking out of his house, Charmaine is throwing the mugs at him.

Charmaine: WORLD'S WORST

Mr Patrick: Come on.

Charmaine: SON OF A BITCH!!

Mr Patrick: not the mugs. Charmaine. (Charmaine slams the door)

Earl: (v.o) and while his wife was kicking him out for seeing another woman she found out how he can afford another woman. (Charmaine finds the paper bag with money) Turns out law enforce were just as unhappy about his behaviour as she was.

CUT TO: Mr Patrick - in jail drinking from a metal mug with ‘world's best Bitch' on it.

Earl: (v.o) I felt awful. I just wanted to hit the guy not ruin his life.

CUT TO: Crab Shack - Earl and Randy are sitting drinking beer.

Randy: wish I could say something to make you feel better.

Earl: I don't know what you can say Randy. I started out doing something good and ended up getting the guy divorced and thrown in jail. I screwed up. That's all there is to it. (sighs)

Randy: you said karma would get him eventually.

Earl: I said karma not my fist.

Randy: but karma doesn't have fists.

Earl: (looks at his fist) you know what you're right. Karma doesn't' have fists.

Randy: karma doesn't have hands at all. Or feet. Does karma have feet?

Earl: maybe karmas behind this whole thing Randy. I mean the guy finally got what he deserved maybe karma just borrowed my fist to give it to him.

Randy: cos karma doesn't have fists.

Earl: wow karma used me to do his dirty work. (Randy and Earl look up) nice move karma. Nice move.

Earl: (v.o) as it turned out not just to punish a bad guy but to reward some people too. Mrs Patrick took ownership of the restaurant and made Jeff the manager. (Jeff sits down in his office at the desk, accidentally kicks the phone off the desk) and with Jeff as manager everybody got raises. And health insurance to cover new retainers for Xena (Xena sneezes and her retainer falls into the cooking French fries). In the end everyone got what they deserved. And I was able to cross number 202 off my list.

(Randy is doing a dot-to-dot)

Randy: oh. It's a burger.

CLOSING CREDITS

(The motel room, Earl and Randy are lying in bed. And little white mouse runs over the bed.)

Randy: You know I saw that mouse again

Earl: want me to try and get him.

Randy: no I like him. I think maybe we should name him. You know. That way he'd be our pet and not just a mouse.

Earl: how bout William?

Randy: nah I don't like William.

Earl: we could call him bill for short.

Randy: I never understood how Bill was short for William. If anything Bill should be short for Billiam. You know.

(Earl lays there thinking)